Impossible

I dreamed several times with the impossible. With a future that we both know it won't happen: Because I want and need what you can't give me, and you want me to be someone I'm not. 

"All that I know 

It's that I don't know 

How to be something you miss"*

However you insist and insist even though this is not what you want, it seems that you also try to achieve the impossible.

And off you go, launched towards the impossible and unattainable. At times it seems that you're getting there, that you can almost touch that invisible limit... But when you get there, parts of you remember the past you lost and think you want to recover, and then your mind is filled with doubts and no longer knows what to want.

And there I am, between what you want and what you've lost- In the middle of what you think is right and wrong. Between two sides of the same feeling. Between confused memories you can't translate.

And I didn't use to mind occupying that place. At least we both knew that there was something, we just didn't know why or what.

But now, I don't want to fill that place anymore, where I'm stuck in time and space. I want to evolve - even if you say that I've changed -, move forward into the unknown, into the future; I want to live more that just that impossible dream, I want to be more that just...something.

If you don't accept me as I am, if you try to make me become someone that you can't have ...then forget it. I am me, if thou don't understand that I am unique and that I can not be who you want me to be, then all this time you didn't see me, but someone else. I am sorry you have been deceived from the beginning. But instead you should feel sorry for yourself for not being able to distinguish reality from fantasy, the present from the past. For not knowing to move forward and take every opportunity that life gives.

I wish I could help you, but if until now I didn't do it - or so it seemed -, it was because you couldn't give me the value I have and deserve. And maybe you're right, maybe I'm really different. But do you have the right to blame me just because I evolved, because I aspire to something more than what I already don't have?! It seems to me that it's up to you not do this kind of judgments. Judge the steps I take, the directions I follow, the mistakes I make, but don't judge me for wanting to be more, yet myself, when you don't do the same. Look first to yourself, for what you do, what you feel ... then tell me where you made a mistake and maybe I can still help you take the right direction without trying to influence you to choose something you're not.

Because I am me. I try to see the truth, reality, in every step I take so that my decisions are mine alone, and nobody else's.

~Andie Maars

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[Maybe this post is a little heavy, but I'm feeling heavy too, emotionally speaking.]

[First post of 2012! :D Sorry for the delay. Updated 05.05.2012]

[*And I'd recommend you to listen to Taylor Swift - Last Kiss (Boyce Avenue and Megan&Liz cover) while you're reading this]