Something Worth Being Proud Of

Everyone that has read a thing or two I (rarely never) post around here has realized I write about feelings (or complain about stuff, but that’s not relevant right now). And not just any feeling, usually I write about the really high points, and the really low ones. For the words to come to me, I’m either extremely happy/excited, or extremely sad/heartbroken/unsure about life. I’ve tried writing about all the in-between's, but it never turns out good enough. I’m incredibly mediocre in terms of writing about “meh” subjects. 

But this is different, in a way. Because all my “feelings levels” have never been this much “meh”, but I still feel the need to write something about it. On the other hand, I guess we can still file this under the “unsure about life” category.

I reached an academic milestone last week: I finished my MSc degree. I told exactly three people about the date of the presentation – my parents and one friend that just happened to ask randomly at that time. Anyone that found out about it after that was either through the parents, or through the general e-mail the university sends every student (because here, these kind of presentations are considered open to the public).

I’ve wondered why I didn’t told anyone. 

For one, it wasn’t a particularly interesting subject (no one came to watch it).

And two, I was kind of disappointed with the project itself. I mean, it had tons of potential in the beginning… But then there were delays, bureaucracy, sick days, needed material that took ages to arrive and countless empty promises to make it more “exciting” that turned out to be just that – empty. 

I’m still proud of it, kind of. It was sweat and tears, back pains and headaches, stubborn equipment and countless failed attempts until something worked out. But I did it. All on my own. I did it! 

The excitement lasted three hours, maybe four. By the time tea time rolled around I was back at feeling the same emptiness. What do I do with my life now? I spent the four days that followed in the same state of mind.

But then there was this old guy, lets call him Tom, in my anti-gravity class at the gym that realized I had missed the class the week previous to that and asked why. And I told him I had stayed at the lab practicing my thesis presentation. But that it was done now, I had passed it with flying colours. 

And Tom - who is practically a stranger that I see once or twice a week for forty five minutes on that anti-gravity class at the gym -, said he was proud of what I had accomplished. He knew nothing about the subject, or the project, or the countless ways it failed until it could be something.  But just knowing I had done it was, in his eyes, reason enough. And then we had a lovely conversation about life choices.

And that my people, is what you should take from this abnormally long and random post. Life happens, things go wrong, you fall and think you lost the will to get back up… But you can’t just sit still and let Life fly by your eyes. Be proud of your achievements! No matter how small they seem, either in the big picture or compared to what someone else did. If is something you worked your ass off for, it’s something worth being proud of. 

Andie.

Embrace the blur | Andie Maars

and if you have that anti-gravity class (i've been told is similar to aerial yoga) i mentioned in your gym and you never tried, i'd recommend you try it twice. go to one class, wait a week, then try again (don't ask why, trust me on this, you'll know). it's the best thing ever!

All Out [part 2]

As the year mark gets closer, it dawns on me that one whole year has in fact just gone by. Where did time go? It feels like everything just flew by me too fast and simultaneously not fast enough. I still feel the same way I did back then, and I'm still unsure why. I moved on - or so I thought -, just to fall back into the same hole I believed being finally free from.

But it's with no shame whatsoever I admit that, even after all this time, he is still my favourite thing to write about (directly or indirectly, however hard I try to fight it). There are countless words and ideas swirling in my head at all times and, when it's not work related stuff, it's about him. And I've fought so, so hard against then... But there are things that just don't change.

I'm trapped between the need to move on and the reluctance to do so.

[Disclaimer: I was positively way past "just tipsy" when I begun writing this, so I had to stop myself here and sleep it over, or this would have gotten really depressing real fast]

So, in my recent trip to Ghent I left some of my ghosts by the river, in-between autumn coloured trees and large cups of tea. I boarded that plane with a heavy soul and a desperate need to get away from reality, even if just for a week. I return somewhat lighter, with less weight on my shoulders, and an overwhelming desire to embrace the world, to embrace Life, exactly as it is.

I will admit I had thought that, by now, the emptiness would be gone... And in some ways it is. But I find that void sometimes filled with such negative ideas that make me wonder if it wouldn't be better to just keep that space empty. I still feel just as alone as I did, it still hurts just as much. But I know now that there will always be some kind of void left behind; that nothing will ever be capable of completely fill that. There will be other things to balance the scale, there will be other unfillable voids.

New things are scary. And I've come to realise that there are some things, besides unfillable voids, I didn't know I was afraid of.

I didn't know I had trust issues (and to some extent I don't). But the mere idea of trusting someone, of depending on someone, on any other level beyond friendship makes me shut down and run for the hills. Maybe it's because I've tried trusting and it didn't worked out, maybe is one of those unfading voids, maybe I'm just still broken. How in any other way would I still look in the mirror and not like what is staring back? I became dependent on what others saw in me and stopped caring about what I saw in myself.

But I'm getting better at fighting my ghosts in this "self love" thing; I'm ready to accept that not everything will go as planned or as dreamt. And that big what if is a dream I'm finally ready to wake up from.

Andie

fly away

| also on my Instagram |

[Part 1]

[I don't usually recommend musics for my posts, but I had Sermon by James Arthur on repeat while writing this]

This is my Pity Party weekend. Today would have been the first day of our 4th year anniversary weekend, because we couldn't agree about in which day it had actually started - the 12th or the 13th. I'd like to believe that, in a perfect world,  right now we'd be somewhere getting lost. 

I've learned that we can wish all the happiness in the world to someone, but that doesn't mean it will happen. So I just hope that, wherever he is, that he is okay.

Honestly [part 1]

Lately, I've noticed that a lot of the same words and ideas keep swirling around in my head over and over. I keep pushing them back, send them away, and they keep coming back. Which is a little surprising, because I'm usually okay at bending them to my liking... But not this time.

I've never been much of a "it's fate"-thing kind of person. But there is no denying that these words in my head are fighting their way out one way or another - and they're winning. So, with nothing but honesty in my heart, I'm letting them out. [not all at once, so you get some of it now and some of it to come next month]

I've finally realised why it hurt so much more that he didn't want to stay friends, than it did when it all ended. You see, in my wild - and very naive - imagination, I though we could figure it all out as friends, without the pressure that comes with a relationship. Talk it out but still be there as each other support system like we had been in the years before. Take time to actually build the foundations we were severely lacking before and, maybe, maybe with time things could go back to the way they were (but better).  

I can see now how it was all mostly wishful thinking, and perhaps that's why I never actually voiced this idea - and as much as I enjoy being always right, this time I can't blame anyone but myself. 

I've been on this new road of self-discovery for what feels like five minutes and, although I've learned a whole lot, I already know it doesn't lead Home. 

Andie

current mood: grey with chance of rain
| also on my Instagram |

[Part 2]

There is more of this to come next month, keep tuned for that.. or don't, you do you.

Find Your Happy

My grandfather has a hammock in his living room. [Yes, he's cool like that...but that's beside the point here]

My grandfather has a hammock in his living room and that has to be probably my favourite thing in his entire house. A month ago I drove 130km there for a long weekend. 

I have to say, the village my grandfather lives in, is the only place I've found on planet Earth (so far) that I've never lived at and it still feels like home whenever I visit. I find a lot of peace of mind there. The air smells cleaner, the sun shines brighter and you can see the starts better when the night falls; and the view of the hills is just...breathtaking. 

I’ve spent a long time there deep in thoughts. About a lot of different things, both past and present, but what makes me happy in Life seemed to be a recurrent subject. You know, the little things like sunshine and fresh strawberries. The smell of new books and jasmine tea (or if chance allows it, both combined). The safety sensation your favourite sweater provides and a good chocolate bar.

I’ve also been thinking about my “happy place”, both mental and physical, and I find it amusing that they are the same. My happy place is that very same hammock my grandfather has in his living room. Just being there, involved in a cocoon of warmth, swinging away with a good book on my lap and no worries on my mind. And it’s just so easy, so effortless, to close my eyes and picture myself there – safe, warm, serene.

Which are also the three things I’ve come to realise I should actually aspire to achieve in Life; everything else is a bonus. Thinking back to what my ideals of Life used to be not that long ago… they seem so petty now. It’s funny how I’ve lived all my life (so far) avoiding CHANGE like it was the plague, to lately being so eager to embrace it. This year has been all about inner growth and self-discoveries and I couldn’t be in a happier place – with and within myself.

Andie

Maybe This Time (New Beginnings)

There are many parts of me that came from him. Or were, at least, planted there by him - by things he did and things he said (some even from what was left unsaid). It breaks me to know that not everything I took with me when he left was good. There were habits developed as an involuntary response to his actions, his ideals - but mostly to his absence -, that frightens me; that’s not who I am.

I spent years trying so hard to form and cement a connection... Only to find myself, now, cleaning the mess that remains of what once was; trying even harder to sever all ties built. In the middle of all that, I failed to see how I was losing myself in a vain attempt to fit a mold I wasn’t made to fit. But back then that didn't matter much because his arms were my safe heaven...until they stopped being that and became a trap he couldn't wait to see me out of fast enough.

I wandered in my unconsciousness for so long. Lost, looking for an answer, any kind of answer. But there isn't really one... There is no cure for my almost chameleonic ability that keeps making me try to blend into my surroundings; even if it means leaving parts of me behind.

But even after all that failed, there is still hope – a new light at the end of yet another tunnel. And here I am, at the start of a new journey (or perhaps a new road), hoping this time it leads home.

Andie

Off the Road

I find it extremely amusing and simultaneously not funny at all how unpredictable Life is. 

I am sure we have all heard or read it before, be it in films or books, or by words of someone else. But I hadn't been able to fully grasp the concept of said unpredictability until the day I felt the road I was walking on being swiped off from under my feet (metaphorically speaking of course). 

Truth be told, that road was anything but flat. It was bumpy with dangerous twist and turns, and multiple exit lanes... And it was much like driving through unknown lands: I had a destination in mind but no clue on how to get there. I was slowly paving my yellow brick road and I knew exactly where I wanted it to lead to - but that didn't make each step any less terrifying. 

My biggest mistake was setting my mind on one, and only one, destination without really caring about the journey as a whole. I was so focused on how I wanted it to end that I paid little notice on how I was gonna get there... Until the only option left was an exit lane. It was as if, all of a sudden, the road lost its colour and everything was dull and blurry and there were no more bricks left. 

I had been driven off the road. 

I had been driven off the road by the very same goal I was trying to reach. And for a very long time I tried to find a detour, to turn back and pave a different way around the chaos... But that was it, there was no way out, no way the same journey could still go on. 

Now all that's left is to find a new destination, new unknown roads to walk to, new paths to pave... But from now onward, I vow to make each yellow brick count.

Andie

Chasing Pavements | Andie Maars | Exclusively on Blogger

The Hopeless Generation

On the rare occasions I venture out of the house for a night out with my friends (not that I am anti-social, I just don't like going out at night that much), it's hard not to notice all the other people that also decided that night was a good night to go out. We find ourselves usually in cramped bars or clubs permanently impregnated with an intense smell of cigarettes, where the music is loud, the people are louder and usually under the influence of something, either alcohol or something else. And it never ceases to amaze me, although not it a positive manner, the way my generation behaves these days. 

I belong to the Generation Y, the 90's Kids. We were brought up hearing how the world is full of possibilities, how we can be anything we want to be. The world is your oyster! Our childhoods were filled with fairy tales and wishful thinking.

But now we are all grown up, we realize all those promises were empty and there is almost nothing left for us to take. It turns out the world it's not an oyster, but an empty shell. My generation will have to work a million times harder to archive half the things our parents did, and even there it will not be enough. We'll be permanently plagued by thoughts of unworthiness; ... We, the hopeful kids, have grown into hopeless adults.

So it should be of no surprise to hear that all my friends' stories of great nights out begin when they are sufficiently intoxicated not to feel anything. That my generation needs the alcohol and drugs to have fun. We, the hopeful and full of hope kids, are exhausted, mentally exhausted, to the point of needing not to feel anything to feel something else. And it saddens me profoundly to see the point we are now. 

I like to believe that, amidst all darkness, there's still hope. Nothing has to - or can, really - be set in stone, but as long as we keep voicing our dreams, there's hope for a better future.  

Andie

Fog | Andie Maars | Exclusively on Blogger

Same Old New Year

Thirty-one days into the new year and it doesn't look new. Everything stayed just the same way it was thirty-two days ago, and somehow I feel disappointed. Not with the New Year per se, more with myself for thinking one number on the calendar would make any difference. 

I know all about those self-motivation things on how "if we want something, we have to be the ones going after that something" and what not... But the truth is, I don't really know what I want - I'm finding it extremely hard to set goals for both short and long terms (if my crappy New Year's Resolutions are anything to go by). Yes, I want to read more and take more pictures; those could easily be worked out for short term goals. I just have to pick a book from the pile that has been growing on my bookshelf, and I just have to take the camera the next time I leave the house... But I can't find in me any motivation to do any of those things. I'm stuck. 

Stuck between having too many unrealistic dreams for myself, having too many of those unrealistic dreams crushed recently, a depressingly low self-esteem, rainy days and nothing useful to do. I know, deep (really, really deep) inside that everything will, eventually, turn out alright. I'll somehow get my happy ending - whatever that means and however long it take to reach it -, but it will come. I'm just terrified of the time period between now and that day.

And there is still hope that, maybe, during the three hundred and thirty-five days this year has left, something new will come of it. 

So here's to being hopeful. 

Andie

Happy New Year to anyone that might be reading this. May your year have started in a less confused way! 

And if by chance you missed it, I updated my "final words" post like I said I would when the time was right. I guess that time has come. You can scroll down to look for it, or you can be lazy and click HERE. Until next time :) 

2015 in Retrospect

Here it is, the last post of 2015. And what a year it was! It had its highs and lows, and the average in betweens... It seems so uneventful and at the same time so much happened, so many things changed.

Although I keep getting older (not wiser, though), I've never felt more grown up than now, after this 12 months; more so than ever before. But there is still so much room for growing up, so much space to learn more, to explore more, to dream more... to live more! If someone had told me earlier this year that this is how it was going to end, I wouldn't have believed it.

I've witnessed the importance of having just the right people in my life, and I couldn't end this year on a high note (ok, scratch that as it might be a little farfetched...) happy note without any of my wonderful friends, especially C (she's the best!). I've learned to accept the universal truth that Life it's indeed not fair, and there isn't much to do about it other that look for a detour every time I hit a "road block" and keep going. 

I usually don't bother with New Years' Resolutions, as I end up either forgetting or not completing them. But maybe it's something I need to do: make "light", non-committal promises (that don't result in the apocalypse if I happen to break them) and stick to them; work them to my advantage. So here are some things I'll try to accomplish next year:

• Smile more
• Count my blessings (more often)
• Have more "Me" time
• Read more (I have so many books on my waiting list that it's not even funny)
• Take the camera out of the house more often
• Make new memories (preferentially happy ones)

And just for the fun of it, here is my year of 2015 in the most random picture I took each month.

2015...Random Mode | Andie Maars

See you next year,

Andie

P.S - If you found picture #10 odd, that's because I was so bored that day that spending nearly 1-hour taking glam shots of an apple seemed like a good idea! 

Still

It’s been a month and it still hurts. Not as much and not for the same reasons, but it still hurts. I’m still dealing with the emptiness, I still feel lost... But I don’t feel guilty anymore, for not insisting, for letting go. I’ve come to terms that it was the right thing to do. That my patience and bullshit tolerance have limits and those have been crossed way too many times before. I was, and still am, tired of fighting for something I once thought was meant to be; the doubts grow higher with each day that goes by without him.

I’m slowly learning how to let go; letting go of the feelings, of the automatic responses to certain actions. It’s much like having too many clothes that just don’t fit anymore and it is time to give them away, hoping someone will make better use of them than I can right now.

It has been a month and it feels both so far away and too close, too fresh, still burning. I am braving trough unknown waters in search for a safe haven, but my compass is wayward and the right direction is as blurry as it has ever been; I’m just sailing alone now.

In between the unknown, there is one thing I know for sure: no excuse, no explanation will ever be enough. Nothing can justify this, what I’m feeling, the emptiness…

There is nothing left unsaid now. All the T’s were crossed and all the I’s were dotted.

But it still hurts.

Andie

Alone | Andie Maars | Exclusively on blogger

the end of a love story

I have read hundreds of books with love stories, and that many (if not more) of broken hearts. I have read enough to think that by now I'd be able to predict the aftermath, to know what to expect when the love story turns into a broken heart. I predicted the shock and the tears. The irrational anger and utter disappointment. Confusion and clarity...the loneliness. 

The shock hit me first, out of the blue, like a punch straight to my lungs. The tears threatened to fall...but I held strong. The anger of knowing something so beautiful had just got irreparably broken, and the disappointment of the biggest promise he didn't keep. Liar

The confusion of wondering who would make me happy from now on, and the clarity of realizing he was never the source of that happiness. Loneliness being solved by a phone call to the best friend that had always been there in times of need. 

However, never in a million of years would I have expected to feel this... empty. 

I'd like to think of myself as a happy person, at least for most of the time. Nevertheless, the moment it finally sank in that it was over, I felt as if I had never had any feelings at all. What hurt the most weren't any of those things. No, what hurt the most was the sudden emptiness of my future: the unfulfilled promises, the adventure we would never get to live, the imaginary babies that would never be born...

A part of me that didn't exist yet died today...

People will say I need to be strong, that everything will be alright. But I've dodged a few stones thrown my way before and this will not be the one to take me down. I will not fall, nor will my tears. This story may end here, but my life does not and certainly will not my happiness.

~Andie

Wednesdays

I know what you've been trough; I've been there before. And I know how much it hurts; I've felt that too. But giving up it's not an options darling - It never was, it will never be. The tears you shed yesterday will be tomorrow memories, if you aloud them to. But if you dwell on then like you've been doing lately, instead of just memories tomorrow they'll still be the painful thoughts you cried until dawn. Trust me when I say that is the last thing you want; never cry the same pains twice, it will only give them power to keep hurting you. Instead let the tears wash those unwanted feeling for you, take them out of your mind while the drops slide slowly down your face...

I used to like Wednesday...Not until 4 weeks ago it probably was my third favorite day of the week. Yes, it was a Wednesday when my heart broke for the first time, but I had already got over it long ago. I had already forgiven that Wednesday.

And it was a Wednesday when I found out how broken you are darling... Don't let those scars define you. Don't let the tears overrule your nights. But the most important might be not letting him define your happiness; because you deserve that beautiful smile that once filled your face always.

Show the world, show him, how strong you are darling. Turn the pains into strength, the tears into smiles and use this experience to prevent future ones. Never take anything for granted darling and never hand out your heart to the first guy that says nice things. I'm not saying not to love too fast - love the fastest you want dear, it's good for the heart to be swelled with love -, just keep something to yourself until you're certain you're getting something equally satisfactory in return. 

Don't measure amounts of love. Measure its depth. And you'll be fine, eventually.

I hate Wednesdays! But I love you...

~Andie Fern Maars

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Not sure if is a W.I.P or not, but it definitely needs a few retouches when I find the time to do so.  Updated 12.03.2013

B♥

F♥

Believe me darling

Believe me darling, I know what you're feeling and I know that is only temporary. Even if now it looks like it's the end of the world. Believe me, it is not. Because one day the tears will eventually dry up, the wounds will heal and the pain will slowly fade away. Because Time is all you need honey. A little or a lot it doesn't matters nor its up to you, but one day you will wake up and notice that the pain is no longer there.

And with time you will also learn to forget, even if now it seems impossible, even if you force yourself to remember, you'll reach the day when you will only remember what is truly important: what you learned and that sometime along that adventure you and him were linked by the same motives, the same feelings. And that's all that matters, nothing else.

Forgiveness is another thing that comes with Time. Although now that looks ridiculous and you only wish for him to suffer the same you do, or even more - knowing that it will probably never happen, because the one who's left behind  always suffers more. But it will come the day you'll wake up and you will no longer hold a grudge against him inside you; even if he never asks for your forgiveness, you're going to forgive him because it just shows how much of a better person you are, were and will ever be - Haven't I told you that countless times darling?

I know that now it seems difficult and possibly humanly impossible but you will get there, as I and so many others before me did.

And who knows, maybe soon you will find someone new - just like I did -, that will make your heart beat faster again? Because with each adventure that ends, there's always another just waiting to start; never forget it my dear.

Remember also that I'm always here, if you need a shoulder where to temporary lay your head...

Believe me, my dear | by ~AndieMaars | On DeviantART

~Andie Fern Maars

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A friendly advice to a special friend, from someone that has been there, returned and found a new beginning. Hope you all like it (: 

Restart

I realized my posts were slowly stepping down trough what I like to call the "Depressed Line", and were getting dangerously closer to the bottom. And that fact scared me. Because that it's a place I thought I'd never return to and, unknowingly, I was already there again. 

Sometimes I don't understand myself. I really don't. Yes, some depressing stuff happened; but I lived. I lived, I got over it and rediscovered my smile; and new reasons to smile too. I found new people that actually deserved my attention, my affection , my dedication... and I got over it, I did. But sometimes it all comes back for no reason; like the memory needed to me remembered the same way a dog needs to be petted. It's seems that there's some kind of trigger that starts it, I just haven't figure it out yet. It could be anything, a song, a picture, a place...All I know is that, when I notice it, there's already a new slightly depressive text on the blog. It could be compared to post traumatic stress disorder, only in a less, less severe way. 

But that ends today, right now. No more depressed stuff. No more references to whatever happened in the past. If tears have to be shed, then let it be for laughing too much to the point I can't stand on my feet and my belly hurts. If tears have to be shed, then let it be for something I can control; like bumping my elbow on something (because that hurts, a lot). And if tears have to be shed, then let it happen only when there's nothing else I can do to prevent it.

I took a lot of thinking into this. I gave my self a  last opportunity to revive all the bad moments, to see if I could find the moment when I made everything go wrong. And honestly, I can't find it; because given the circumstances, I did nothing wrong. And that is it, the end. My head is clear, and I regret nothing. 

Maybe it will take some more time to heal. Maybe things won't get back to the way they were before that fast; or maybe they just simply won't get back to how they were. But you know what?! It doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matter is that everything will, eventually, get better. 

Today, I finally forgive myself.

Do Not Low Your Head, Ever | by ~AndieMaars | Exclusively on blogger

~Andie

Broken Angel

A second choice. That’s what I feel I am; a second choice. A person everybody calls last, because it’s mostly sure I’ll pick up and I’ll be available for whatever the reason you called. I don’t really know how to explain this feeling, it’s like I've ‘Easy’ written on my forehead; am I that easy? I truly want to know, am I?  It’s like I don’t even deserve a chance to try and be myself because everybody expects me to be someone else, a replacement of someone else; a second choice. So I live with the constant reminder that I was never good enough, that I’m never good enough to be just myself.

And that’s all I ask for, a chance, an opportunity to be myself and nobody else. And it shouldn't be too much to ask, at all. But I still see all the astonished faces every single time I try, pushing me down to the oblivion, hoping I’ll forget it or get too tired to try again. But I still rise, again, every time they try to push me down, most of the times without any help; because I’m not expected to need that help. I’m expected to be quiet and perfect like a little doll; flawless.

And even though I know it’s not my fault they think like that, I still try to impress them…all to no avail.

But I’m not flawless; I actually stand far from that. I can feel my soul covered with ugly scars life gave me for trying to please everybody, but I can’t help it. I can’t help trying to help others  become better even if that implies I’ll be hurting, even if that implies not getting anything nice in return from them, not a ‘thank you’, not a hand shake, not even a smile; all I’m worth of are sympathetic lies, punches in the heart and stabs in the soul. But I stitch my soul, dry my tears and in the next day I’m there again, against all odds, ready for another round.

So you can say that I’m easy, the amount of times you want to; but don’t you dare say I’m not strong.

Dark Velvet | by Andie Maars | original on DeviantArt

~Andie

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You should listen to Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue while you read this… [link]

Truth

What does it means to you, telling someone they're important, that they matter? 

To me that would mean they've "earned" enough privilege to actually be a part of my life: to belong to it, to deserve to know about it, about everything significant that might happen; not to just be there hanging around. That they would be trustworthy enough to know all the truth, not just some pretty pieces of it. The whole truth, even if is not that pretty, even if you think is so dark it might stain some part of their lives, of their souls. If they're trustworthy, if they care, they deserve to know; they are worthy of the true.

And the truth can hurt. Oh, and how well I know about that dark part of the truth; I've been there, a lot during the past years. But I regret nothing, I don't regret the pain nor the tears because if I still lived in a lie it would be so much worse; I know because I've also been there.

I thought that, by now, things would be...different. That, after all this years standing by you, I'd already be trustworthy. But I guess I was wrong, you don't trust me, at least not enough. And I don't know what more to do, what more to say to change that.

And you know what hurts the most? Is knowing you hide something but still feeling you've the right to tell me by your own accord, so I won't force the truth out of your mouth. No matter how bad I wish I could, I won't; no matter how bad I wish I could open a little window to your mind and discover everything I know you're hiding, I can't.

So that leaves me with just one question: Can I trust in you, knowing you don't trust me?

White Lies | by Andie Maars | on DeviantART 

~Andie

I've been feeling...confused? I guess you can call it that. It's sad knowing a friend you've kept for so many years suddenly stopped trusting fully like it used to do.  And there isn't much you can do about it... Any advice people?

Nostalgia

Lately I've been thinking that something is missing. Something I can't even recall however still can't help but miss... Something I really never had as mine, is it even possible? Like there's a huge hole inside me and I've no idea how to heal it again. I've been using other things to fill it up, so it won't hurt...but that's just a short cut I know it won't bring me to the end, it will keep me going around and around without going anywhere, just so the  time will pass; because "time cures everything"- they say. 

"Time cures everything"- they say. And what do I thing about that? I think that's the biggest lie I've ever heard. Because time doesn't really cure anything, we cure ourselves, or someone else does; and Time, is not any of those.

Not really long ago I wrote about how much I'm sorry about somethings that happened...But right here and now I don't really regret that much, the way things ended up to be. Because I don't believe that "everything is meant to be", otherwise I believe things happen because someone make or let them happen. And I don't regret that person, at all. How could I? It brought me so many memories... Memories I now treasure, knowing I'll soon forget; because that's how life is: it let us create memories we want to remember forever, but makes us forget them so we won't get hurt because they're just that, just memories.

And why are they "just" memories? Because we try, try, try...Until one of us stops trying; then we forget. I don't regret it, I won't regret it. Yes, things got to a point of most surely no return, and that can be somehow sad. But today, now, I can move on because I know it wasn't me who stop trying.

A new beginning by ~NaBHaN  

~Andie

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[Not sure if it's already finished or not...But any suggestion is welcome :D ]