To a friend

Running away from everything that pained me didn’t solve anything. The pain started growing larger and larger every time that my thoughts changed directions and then suddenly you appeared holding my hand and pushing me to the right way.

In the moment my mind thought that every single thing was solved, with you I felt support, happiness and a friend who would listen to my problems, and I felt grateful for having you at that time. Even though when I was away from you my might went crazy by all the painful thoughts of my life.

You know me, listened to me, gave me advice and strength to speak my might to the ones who were suppressing me and refused to see that this was my life, my mistakes and my future. You changed me to the point that I can think that nothing more can hurt the helpless little girl who couldn’t decide by herself the best way to transform the world that she lived to a better place. You helped me to discover myself and confront people about what I wanted.

To you my precious friend who rescued me from a dark place I hope that the light will also shine to you as brighter as the one you gave to me.

Lily Mead Mein

This text is dedicated to a dear friend who is always there when I need. so  I'm grateful for everything.

I'm sorry. And thank you

I was reading some old posts of mine and remembered some of the reason for have written some of them. Therefor, I'd like to devote the "Forever and a day..." post to all those people that were the other side of that "bridge", with their extended hands, open hearts, wise advises and smiling faces, and still I couldn't make my self to cross that bridge to meet them. Only I know how sorry I am for not being strong enough and not letting you be strong for me. I'm sorry...But somehow thankful for knowing you were there for me.

Nobody said it was easy | by Andie Maars | on DeviantART

~Andie Maars

Truth

What does it means to you, telling someone they're important, that they matter? 

To me that would mean they've "earned" enough privilege to actually be a part of my life: to belong to it, to deserve to know about it, about everything significant that might happen; not to just be there hanging around. That they would be trustworthy enough to know all the truth, not just some pretty pieces of it. The whole truth, even if is not that pretty, even if you think is so dark it might stain some part of their lives, of their souls. If they're trustworthy, if they care, they deserve to know; they are worthy of the true.

And the truth can hurt. Oh, and how well I know about that dark part of the truth; I've been there, a lot during the past years. But I regret nothing, I don't regret the pain nor the tears because if I still lived in a lie it would be so much worse; I know because I've also been there.

I thought that, by now, things would be...different. That, after all this years standing by you, I'd already be trustworthy. But I guess I was wrong, you don't trust me, at least not enough. And I don't know what more to do, what more to say to change that.

And you know what hurts the most? Is knowing you hide something but still feeling you've the right to tell me by your own accord, so I won't force the truth out of your mouth. No matter how bad I wish I could, I won't; no matter how bad I wish I could open a little window to your mind and discover everything I know you're hiding, I can't.

So that leaves me with just one question: Can I trust in you, knowing you don't trust me?

White Lies | by Andie Maars | on DeviantART 

~Andie

I've been feeling...confused? I guess you can call it that. It's sad knowing a friend you've kept for so many years suddenly stopped trusting fully like it used to do.  And there isn't much you can do about it... Any advice people?

Run

"I ran the fastest I could. I didn't stop, didn't look back, didn't answer when he screamed my name. I ran like I've never run before, I ran like something depended on that; I ran for life.

I could feel the leafs cracking under my feet, I could feel the cold wind strongly blowing on my face, hurting my eyes already filled with tears and fear, making it almost impossible to see where I was heading to. So I just closed my eyes and let my legs run by them selves, along that path I knew almost as well as the back of my hand.

I heard him calling my name like he used to do until not so long ago, and part of me wanted to stop running from him and start running to him, to those strong arms that once hold me so dearly. But things had changed and I couldn't stop running, no matter what my heart told me. I had to run to...to anywhere but that place that hold so many memories.

The voice that called me without ceasing seemed to be losing intensity, the sound of the footsteps that were chasing me seem to be losing energy. I was leading the "race" and this time, this time I could win. Not really sure how, I managed to grab my phone a deal a number, telling the person on the other side to came pick me up, fast. I increased the pace, now closer that ever from the exit. Now and then I would hear that voice calling me, and my heart would skip a beat.

Finally I saw headlights a few meter ahead of me, on the corner of the highway I was running to. I jumped to the middle of the road, not really thinking..." And then I woke up.

I swear that was the weirdest dream I've ever had. It felt real, so real, it was almost a nightmare... And then I felt a cramp in my leg [yeah, too much running :D ] and woke up, so, we'll never know how it ended.

Patience | by Andie Maars | on DeviantArt

~Andie Maars

Sorry for the delay...I've been pretty busy lately. But fear nothing my friends, I'll post again soon (hopefully still in this month). 

Care to let me know what you think about it?

Lost

Today I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize what I saw.

I had so many dreams, so many things I wished I had already achieved by now... I feel like I've disappointed myself,  for not being where I used to picture myself  in dreams not really long ago. But looking back, I can't tell where I lost the track of my life or where I've given up; because that's what I feel, that I've given up fighting, as if I didn't deserve none of those things I dreamed.

And as if feeling lost wasn't enough, lately my (not that dark but still disturbing and depressive) past seems to think is very funny to hunt me while I sleep, so that I can't move on nor forget you. To add to that, there's a song playing nearly 24/7 on my head (a song that I'm apparently composing little by little), and no mater how hard I try to deny it, is all about you. It's all about the things you said and the things you didn't, the things you done and the things you broke. I wish I was a singer good enough to finish it, record it and play it everywhere, so you would know.

A few weeks ago I found peace in something I'd never imagine I'd. To be honest I not only found peace but also thought I had found myself; I thought I was cured, cured from your ghost. But you never really left. I can see it now; you're just hidden. Damn you!!

But the dreams aren't always that bad, in some I see myself happy with someone else while you're depressed at a corner. In those good dreams I can visualize myself with a happy (and honestly frighteningly big) new family. I can see that that trip it wasn't completely in vain. I'm not cured, yet, but I've learned a way to get there. A way I'll walk one, twice, ten times, again and again when needed. I'll walk all those miles, and maybe, maybe one day those happy dreams might come true...and I'll find my way home.

Santiago, espérame. Volveré pronto..

Way | by AndieMaars | on DeviantArt
[You can find the original picture here]

~Andie

[Yay! to another almost depressing post]
[I realized I don't really like the way this post turned up...I'll be rewriting (or posting another version) it anytime soon, so, if you like this one make sure you read it before its gone.]