Just...love

I've lost count on how many times I've talked about Love in my texts. Too many? Not enough? 

The funny thing is, while growing up it never mattered much. Sure, I grew up watching all those Disney films filled with numerous Princes Charming, Happy Ever Afters and unrealistic expectations... but even in my 5 year old mind I knew those were just films, not necessarily the way things had to be. I always knew the difference between fantasy and reality (trying to make my mother understand that, was a totally different story), so maybe that's why I never dreamt about finding my prince Charming - no, I only wanted the castle that seemed to come with every Happy Ever After (still do).

And although I have two very loving parents and had an overall happy childhood, they weren't, and still aren't, very "verbally" loving. Sure, I had hugs and kisses pretty much on demand, but the word love wasn't very common. That doesn't mean I didn't know just how much I was loved, that was never up to debate. Through my "experience" with familiar love and a short term with romantic love, I'd like to think I've learned a lot of things about it. 

While I'm far (really really far) from being an expert, if there is one thing I'm sure about is that love is not exclusive. If anything, love is inclusive. That it's possible to love two different people just as much but in different ways, different types of love. That there are a million of forms of love and of loving someone.  I've learned that all love needs is a bond between people, any kind of bond, and it can grow so much from just that. I've confirmed the almost universal truth that the first love really does cut the deepest. 

But the hardest part of Love is not letting go. Letting go becomes easy the moment reality finally sinks in. The hard part is letting someone new in after the fall. It's re-learning to trust the broken heart you just fixed (or not) into the hands of someone else. It's knowing you'll never fall just as hard, just as fast as the first time, because now you know best. It's fearing you are holding back too much because you've felt the consequences of not holding back at all. It's knowing it can crumble and fall just as fast as it was built.

The hardest part is not having to let go, it's knowing you can.

Andie

spin me around , make me dizzy

All Out [part 2]

As the year mark gets closer, it dawns on me that one whole year has in fact just gone by. Where did time go? It feels like everything just flew by me too fast and simultaneously not fast enough. I still feel the same way I did back then, and I'm still unsure why. I moved on - or so I thought -, just to fall back into the same hole I believed being finally free from.

But it's with no shame whatsoever I admit that, even after all this time, he is still my favourite thing to write about (directly or indirectly, however hard I try to fight it). There are countless words and ideas swirling in my head at all times and, when it's not work related stuff, it's about him. And I've fought so, so hard against then... But there are things that just don't change.

I'm trapped between the need to move on and the reluctance to do so.

[Disclaimer: I was positively way past "just tipsy" when I begun writing this, so I had to stop myself here and sleep it over, or this would have gotten really depressing real fast]

So, in my recent trip to Ghent I left some of my ghosts by the river, in-between autumn coloured trees and large cups of tea. I boarded that plane with a heavy soul and a desperate need to get away from reality, even if just for a week. I return somewhat lighter, with less weight on my shoulders, and an overwhelming desire to embrace the world, to embrace Life, exactly as it is.

I will admit I had thought that, by now, the emptiness would be gone... And in some ways it is. But I find that void sometimes filled with such negative ideas that make me wonder if it wouldn't be better to just keep that space empty. I still feel just as alone as I did, it still hurts just as much. But I know now that there will always be some kind of void left behind; that nothing will ever be capable of completely fill that. There will be other things to balance the scale, there will be other unfillable voids.

New things are scary. And I've come to realise that there are some things, besides unfillable voids, I didn't know I was afraid of.

I didn't know I had trust issues (and to some extent I don't). But the mere idea of trusting someone, of depending on someone, on any other level beyond friendship makes me shut down and run for the hills. Maybe it's because I've tried trusting and it didn't worked out, maybe is one of those unfading voids, maybe I'm just still broken. How in any other way would I still look in the mirror and not like what is staring back? I became dependent on what others saw in me and stopped caring about what I saw in myself.

But I'm getting better at fighting my ghosts in this "self love" thing; I'm ready to accept that not everything will go as planned or as dreamt. And that big what if is a dream I'm finally ready to wake up from.

Andie

fly away

| also on my Instagram |

[Part 1]

[I don't usually recommend musics for my posts, but I had Sermon by James Arthur on repeat while writing this]

This is my Pity Party weekend. Today would have been the first day of our 4th year anniversary weekend, because we couldn't agree about in which day it had actually started - the 12th or the 13th. I'd like to believe that, in a perfect world,  right now we'd be somewhere getting lost. 

I've learned that we can wish all the happiness in the world to someone, but that doesn't mean it will happen. So I just hope that, wherever he is, that he is okay.

Monday Blues # 2 What If {lil' update}

I was never one to dwell on "what if's", it just wasn't a part of who I am used to be. In some ways, that "sector" of my life was pretty much black and white, there were no greys or in-betweens; it was or it wasn't. 

But I've come to realise that I've been living uncomfortably numb in the biggest "what if" for the past year, and it's terrifying just how powerless that makes me feel. I hate not knowing what's real and what's not, I hate that I still haven't found a "back up" life plan for the one I lost, and I hate that I can't seem to find motivation to do so.

The worst part? Everything I do now feels "just" a back up plan, as if I'm not living the life I was supposed to. I have regained my footing, I know which way is up but not which way is forward. And if anything, it makes me question the strength of all the plans I had before - if it all crumbled so fast how could it have lasted? 

I'm lost. I'm broken. I'm scared. And it's okay. Because there are days when I feel less scared, less broken, less lost and that, if anything, makes me believe that the day I'll stop feeling like that is coming.

Andie

UPDATE: I touched it up a little! It's better but still not sure if done.
So, I didn't what to let this Monday pass because I've been working on this #2 for Monday Blues for a while...but I'm not totally happy with it yet. I might just come back later for a touch up. Enjoy!

Honestly [part 1]

Lately, I've noticed that a lot of the same words and ideas keep swirling around in my head over and over. I keep pushing them back, send them away, and they keep coming back. Which is a little surprising, because I'm usually okay at bending them to my liking... But not this time.

I've never been much of a "it's fate"-thing kind of person. But there is no denying that these words in my head are fighting their way out one way or another - and they're winning. So, with nothing but honesty in my heart, I'm letting them out. [not all at once, so you get some of it now and some of it to come next month]

I've finally realised why it hurt so much more that he didn't want to stay friends, than it did when it all ended. You see, in my wild - and very naive - imagination, I though we could figure it all out as friends, without the pressure that comes with a relationship. Talk it out but still be there as each other support system like we had been in the years before. Take time to actually build the foundations we were severely lacking before and, maybe, maybe with time things could go back to the way they were (but better).  

I can see now how it was all mostly wishful thinking, and perhaps that's why I never actually voiced this idea - and as much as I enjoy being always right, this time I can't blame anyone but myself. 

I've been on this new road of self-discovery for what feels like five minutes and, although I've learned a whole lot, I already know it doesn't lead Home. 

Andie

current mood: grey with chance of rain
| also on my Instagram |

[Part 2]

There is more of this to come next month, keep tuned for that.. or don't, you do you.

The Reasons Why {updated version}

I want to write you one hundred letters.

To say hello. To inquire how you’ve been and if life has been fair with you – because I know I wasn’t. To say hello again and wonder about your plans for later, tomorrow and another day. To apologise for how unfairly I painted my memories of you. To reminisce about old times – do you miss them as much as I do?

To apologise again for blaming you for all my teen-age years’ insecurities; for all the times my emotions got the best of me and I blamed you for them. To express my profound sadness for the years we lost contact – would things be different now had we stayed in touch?

To apologise one more time for all the negative feelings I embed in my words towards you, both written and thought – even if they never reached you. To let you know that I don’t blame you for all that teenager-y recklessness back in the days. To assure you I’ve made my peace with the past and that I’m looking forward to the future.

To wonder if there is any chance I can be a part of those plans you have for later, tomorrow and another day. One for each day we’ve been away since the re-connection. And another for all those late night conversations. For all in me that was dormant and that you woke with all your smiles. And one to thank you again for bringing back all the hope I had lost. For making me feel wanted (and I can’t thank you enough for that). And one more just because it’s you.

To let you know you’ve been my light at the end of yet another tunnel; thank you for shining so bright. To thank you for making me believe again that there are still reasons to be happy.

Andie 

Update: So, if you read the first version of this text when I first posted it, you'll notice some changes in this updated version. I'm all for honesty and I did feel everything that was in the first draft when I wrote it...
But I also have to admit that it was posted for all the wrong reasons, so I'm happier with this version of 'The Reasons Why'. Enjoy!