Mess..

Lately my head has been a mess and, for some stupid reason, I haven't been capable of writing something worth of being posted here [ lame :( ]

So, I leave you a link to one of my previous posts, that kind of express a little of what I might be feeling right now.

Forever and a Day

Hope you enjoy re-reading it :)
(Also hope you're head isn't as messy as mine)

The Art Of Pretending by ~ Nonnetta

~Andie Maars

p.s - Sorry lily, for having monopolize the blog so much lately :)
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Little Note: Just to let you all know that the photo I uploaded with my post Hidden Secrets it's now available on my DeviantART page

I'm... Tired

I'm... Tired.

Tired of writing about pain and loss.

But lately, lately those are the only feelings I've felt; the ones I get to know so well yet against my will. I'm tired of feeling my heart contract itself whenever I do, I dream or I think about something that reminds me about my past.

I'm... Exhausted.

Exhausted of every failed attempts to forget the past; to move on.

But everything around me makes exasperate, because it's so hard and everybody around me seems so happy... Like I'm the only miserable person in the world (even knowing it's completely not true; that, compared with some standards I'm quite lucky). But still... Does it ever get easier? I mean, when will all those efforts be worth it?

I'm...

I'm...

I'm...

I don't know what I feel anymore.

And I'm exhausted and tired of trying to figure it out.

(it's not finished yet, it's just a draft...I might try to finish it later)

Heart by ~ AndieMaars (photomontage)
you can find the original on my DeviantART page here

~A

Some dreams should never come true...

I used to wish that, whenever I had to go to that place, you would have decided to do the same and I’d meet you there. I wished for those little things called coincidences to do their magic. How much I wished for that to happen; and for how long I did it… Looking now backwards I don’t know how I could have ever wished for that. I guess that was just me looking for an excuse not to lose contact; an involuntary effort to keep fighting for you. But you know what? The time went by and somewhere along the way I stopped wishing for that and started wishing for the opposite; that I would never meet you there, where once you made me feel wanted; where you made me happy for a little while.

I used to wish for you to do what you ended up doing anyway. And back then it made me happy, so happy, because it was one dream that had come true. Today, that dream is my worst nightmare against whom I'm still fighting, and I wish now it had never happened because the little joy you gave me was nothing compared to all the pain you caused; because you made me happy, but then you crushed that happiness so quickly that it felt like someone had dropped a bucket full of ice cold water on me. That opened my eyes for what was right ahead and yet I couldn't see until that moment: what happened, it wasn't real, and it meant nothing...it was a mistake, a complete error (no matter how hard and how painful it is to admit it). I built up a fantasy so it wouldn't hurt, I made up in my mind that was something it could honestly never be. My brain lied to my heart, so it wouldn't get broken. It was a useless lie, the heart got broken anyway.

But I learned my lesson: I must not wish for what I know it’s wrong; I must not dream about something that I know it is going to hurt me, if the fantasy turns to reality.

~A dream can easily become your worst nightmare~

~Andie Maars
[Photo + photo-montage + quote ~ by me] 

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Updated Version!!! (06.12.2011) 

High School

High school, the most dramatic three years for teenagers: the drama, the romance and the fantasy. This is a place where the weaklings are bullied and the popular are idolize, and the best way to not be notice is to be an observant. Don’t join any clubs, don’t pay attention to the eyes of others and more important don’t ever get close with the master and servant’s relationships, in other words stay away from the bullies and the ones being bullied, because that only bring problems. Just a tip, the bullies are usually the popular ones. In that environment is really easy to figure out which is one and which is the other, just looking around if you see somebody surrounded by people while you are in the floor I may have very bad news: you were just promoted to be the bullied; but if you are surrounded and you are up then you are popular, you are one of that people who only listen to others talking good about you and trash about others, this is if you’re not the one putting somebody in a garbage can.

A place where people cry, laugh; It's where all of our emotions came from the deepest of the darkness and began to be shown in the surface of our skin. At that time we don't know who we are or what we want because we just graduate from being kids and in only three years we will be able to became adults.

High school is the scariest moment that we probably gonna have: trying to define ourselves, finding someone we can trust, being or not being popular...All the emotions, all the tests that we go through and that we have to overcome. All of this for some people can be exciting but we all feel scared even if we don't admit it.

Lily Mead Mein

Illusions

While I'm sleeping I review every single mistake I made, every missteps I took... I see all my pains but I don't feel them; I'm cured.

But then i open my eyes and all the pain strikes again and I return to be that fragmented being I was before falling asleep. I take deep breath and push away the "duvet of illusions"; no matter how hard I wish for the opposite, I'm not ok. But I pick up the pieces and I keep living my day.

But during the whole day I find myself supporting the weight of all the pieces that were broken; like a hidden strength that keeps me whole and yet fragmented. So everyday are a constant fight to gather together all the pieces that are missing.

In a bad day, I return home still fragmented and sometimes the pain increases. But in the good days, for few moments I feel... like I achieved the goal, I return one piece to its place, that I'm an inch close to freedom, that the weight it's not that much and the pain it's not that strong.

And everyday, good or bad, I countdown the hours that are left until I can cover myself with the "duvet of illusions" and feel whole again.

duvet by ~NoirFeu

~Sometimes I just wish I could fall asleep forever...~

~Andie M