Monday, October 24, 2016

Monday Blues # 2 What If {lil' update}

I was never one to dwell on "what if's", it just wasn't a part of who I am used to be. In some ways, that "sector" of my life was pretty much black and white, there were no greys or in-betweens; it was or it wasn't. 

But I've come to realise that I've been living uncomfortably numb in the biggest "what if" for the past year, and it's terrifying just how powerless that makes me feel. I hate not knowing what's real and what's not, I hate that I still haven't found a "back up" life plan for the one I lost, and I hate that I can't seem to find motivation to do so.

The worst part? Everything I do now feels "just" a back up plan, as if I'm not living the life I was supposed to. I have regained my footing, I know which way is up but not which way is forward. And if anything, it makes me question the strength of all the plans I had before - if it all crumbled so fast how could it have lasted? 

I'm lost. I'm broken. I'm scared. And it's okay. Because there are days when I feel less scared, less broken, less lost and that, if anything, makes me believe that the day I'll stop feeling like that is coming.


UPDATE: I touched it up a little! It's better but still not sure if done.
So, I didn't what to let this Monday pass because I've been working on this #2 for Monday Blues for a while...but I'm not totally happy with it yet. I might just come back later for a touch up. Enjoy!

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Honestly [part 1]

Lately, I've noticed that a lot of the same words and ideas keep swirling around in my head over and over. I keep pushing them back, send them away, and they keep coming back. Which is a little surprising, because I'm usually okay at bending them to my liking... But not this time.

I've never been much of a "it's fate"-thing kind of person. But there is no denying that these words in my head are fighting their way out one way or another - and they're winning. So, with nothing but honesty in my heart, I'm letting them out. [not all at once, so you get some of it now and some of it to come next month]

I've finally realised why it hurt so much more that he didn't want to stay friends, than it did when it all ended. You see, in my wild - and very naive - imagination, I though we could figure it all out as friends, without the pressure that comes with a relationship. Talk it out but still be there as each other support system like we had been in the years before. Take time to actually build the foundations we were severely lacking before and, maybe, maybe with time things could go back to the way they were (but better).  

I can see now how it was all mostly wishful thinking, and perhaps that's why I never actually voiced this idea - and as much as I enjoy being always right, this time I can't blame anyone but myself. 

I've been on this new road of self-discovery for what feels like five minutes and, although I've learned a whole lot, I already know it doesn't lead Home. 


current mood: grey with chance of rain
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There is more of this to come next month, keep tuned for that.. or don't, you do you.