Thursday, May 26, 2011

Bad test

Stop.
I don’t want to run. I don’t want to push myself even harder.
I know that I’m not the smartest, that I’m a little lazy and everything else because I know myself. Even when I try to push it to the limit, I can’t seem to reach the top. So just stop trying to make me feel guilty for something I cannot predict. Stop trying to make me feel bad if even you couldn’t do it. Stop being angry with me even knowing that you couldn’t make as far as I am.
                I don’t know if you’re jealous, I don’t care, but you can’t just say what you want just because it didn’t go as predicted. I know that is my future, I know that I’m the one who’s going to pay in the end. I know all of that and yet you guys don’t seem to understand that I feel hurt every single time that I receive the bad news.
                I feel bad because I couldn’t do it. Because it didn’t go the way I wanted it to go. But instead of pulling me up you guys are making the hole even bigger, and one day I will not be able to get out of there.
                So…It will be better the next time, I hope, because I’m going to raise my head. Not because of you but because I want to show to everyone that I can do it.



Lily Mead Mein

Meaningless words (on a too hot day)...

This week it's not a good week to write, because every single word that comes out seems angry to me... and I just can't find the source of such anger because I don't think I have any reason to feel it.

I.AM.HAPPY

I really am, thus I get angry with myself because all I can write are angry words without meaning them all. So my question is: Is it possible to have something bugging you, so deep you can't even find it, no matter how hard you try?

Maybe it's just the past I long thought forgotten that decided I need to refresh my memory. But that's a lie, because I need everything but to remember; that's why I forgot it in the first place.
And I repeat it: This week it's not a good week to write anything. I've a really painfully headache and it's too hot everywhere so I can't focus on anything.
And then I realize I'm writing something anyway, even if the entire text sucks and words don't make sense at all... So gloomy...
Looking trough my window I see a bright day and a shinning sun... an almost perfect day... And I can't go outside because my headache would increase even more.
Definitely not a good day to do whatever I need to/want to/should do and definitely not a good week to write.


"If is that what you need, then it's decided. I won't lie. A lie doesn't heal a broken heart and I can't give more than what I am"
[translation of a verse of the song "Se acabou, acabou" (If it's over, then it's over) by Nuno Prata]

~Andie

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Golden Yellow

[Just a little note before you read it: This is a personal post, written for one of the dearest people I have in my life... Anyway, if you, my dear friend, ever get to read this, know I put all my very soul in this.] Enjoy J


I think I saw you once and my opinion came almost immediately! You're free, and no one will ever be able to lock you in a cage. I also noticed that you're always happy like there's no enough pain in the world to knock you out...but you can suffer too, I've seen it; after all, you're just human like all of us. You have your own energy to see the brightest side of everything and everybody, even if you can't see your own bright side (because I know you're amazing)...but I would be just na├»ve if I believed that no one have ever disappointed or hurt you. I myself think I've already let you down, even if you denied it every time I try to apologise. You...how can I make myself clear... you glow (that's the word!), you glow with your very own special light. I can't explain it properly; it's something that comes from within you and makes you one of the most special people I've ever met. I admire you, you know? Because you keep smiling no matter how dark the sky is, no matter how dark your sky is; because there's no cloud thick enough to stop the sun from shining for you.

As I said, you're a free soul; like a golden yellow bird (don't ask me why yellow, it's just a color I think that fits you well) that can't be tamed, a bird no cage can hold tightly enough because comes what may, no one has the right to take your freedom away.

So my glowing friend, my golden yellow bird, my dear hydrogen bond between nitrogenous bases (this last one it's actually our "private joke", remember?), forgive me for all the times I wasn't there, for all the right words I didn't say... But keep in your mind that for whatever you need me (a shopping spree, a movie, a talk, a walk or even to help you devour your mother's delicious chicken with pineapple and cream ), I'm here!



Flash by ~tangleduptight

~Andie Fern Maars

(P.S. -And yes, I realized I'm getting attached to all the wonderful pictures that feature at DeviantArt)

Selfish

I do what I want. I only care about what I choose. I only choose what I wish for. Pretty selfish, aren't I?
But if I do what other people want me to do without thinking if that’s what I really longing for does that action as any meaning? I don’t think so. So let me choose. Let me pick everything that I want even if I regret it in the end. And if you still aren't capable of letting that happen: advise me, tell me what you think and don’t try mind games or things like that to make me change my mind.
The reason? It’s pretty simple. If I don’t choose by myself I’m not living, I will be a puppet, a lifeless doll that you will control. I will not feel sadness, happiness, love or any other fillings except hate for you and especially for myself because I wasn’t able to say no to you. And even if it’s a mistake it doesn’t matter; don’t they say that you learn from your mistakes. So let me learn by myself.
In the end I’m pretty selfish because I want to live a life in which I will be able to say that I’m not a puppet and that what I am is because I make mistakes and that I was always following my own way. So if that makes me selfish I don’t mind because I'll keep doing whatever I want.

Lily Mead Mein

[Another small text]

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Mistaken...


Have you ever woke up in the morning and realized that something you believed yesterday it doesn't make sense anymore? Something you were so sure about that there was no possible way for you to be mistaken. And so you wake up and notice that you were wrong.

First it comes the disillusion, because you miss that illusion; it was one thing you were sure about, in this crazy and unsure world...and now is gone.

Then it comes the fury, because it seems obvious now it was all a lie. "How could I ever misunderstood that? How could I ever think it was true?", you'll ask yourself several times. And so you think you were totally insane when you decided to believe in a lie.

In the end you'll realize that you're still young, and being young it's almost a synonym of making mistakes "Because nothing is permanent". So you end up by forgiving yourself. If the world keeps spinning and everything is constantly changing; so why can't we change our minds too?!

It made sense yesterday and it doesn't makes sense today, so what?! You admit you were wrong, and you promise yourself next time you won't make the same mistake (because then it won't be a mistake, but a choice).

Mistaken Identity by ken-wong


~AndieMaars