Something Worth Being Proud Of

Everyone that has read a thing or two I (rarely never) post around here has realized I write about feelings (or complain about stuff, but that’s not relevant right now). And not just any feeling, usually I write about the really high points, and the really low ones. For the words to come to me, I’m either extremely happy/excited, or extremely sad/heartbroken/unsure about life. I’ve tried writing about all the in-between's, but it never turns out good enough. I’m incredibly mediocre in terms of writing about “meh” subjects. 

But this is different, in a way. Because all my “feelings levels” have never been this much “meh”, but I still feel the need to write something about it. On the other hand, I guess we can still file this under the “unsure about life” category.

I reached an academic milestone last week: I finished my MSc degree. I told exactly three people about the date of the presentation – my parents and one friend that just happened to ask randomly at that time. Anyone that found out about it after that was either through the parents, or through the general e-mail the university sends every student (because here, these kind of presentations are considered open to the public).

I’ve wondered why I didn’t told anyone. 

For one, it wasn’t a particularly interesting subject (no one came to watch it).

And two, I was kind of disappointed with the project itself. I mean, it had tons of potential in the beginning… But then there were delays, bureaucracy, sick days, needed material that took ages to arrive and countless empty promises to make it more “exciting” that turned out to be just that – empty. 

I’m still proud of it, kind of. It was sweat and tears, back pains and headaches, stubborn equipment and countless failed attempts until something worked out. But I did it. All on my own. I did it! 

The excitement lasted three hours, maybe four. By the time tea time rolled around I was back at feeling the same emptiness. What do I do with my life now? I spent the four days that followed in the same state of mind.

But then there was this old guy, lets call him Tom, in my anti-gravity class at the gym that realized I had missed the class the week previous to that and asked why. And I told him I had stayed at the lab practicing my thesis presentation. But that it was done now, I had passed it with flying colours. 

And Tom - who is practically a stranger that I see once or twice a week for forty five minutes on that anti-gravity class at the gym -, said he was proud of what I had accomplished. He knew nothing about the subject, or the project, or the countless ways it failed until it could be something.  But just knowing I had done it was, in his eyes, reason enough. And then we had a lovely conversation about life choices.

And that my people, is what you should take from this abnormally long and random post. Life happens, things go wrong, you fall and think you lost the will to get back up… But you can’t just sit still and let Life fly by your eyes. Be proud of your achievements! No matter how small they seem, either in the big picture or compared to what someone else did. If is something you worked your ass off for, it’s something worth being proud of. 

Andie.

Embrace the blur | Andie Maars

and if you have that anti-gravity class (i've been told is similar to aerial yoga) i mentioned in your gym and you never tried, i'd recommend you try it twice. go to one class, wait a week, then try again (don't ask why, trust me on this, you'll know). it's the best thing ever!

Honestly [part 1]

Lately, I've noticed that a lot of the same words and ideas keep swirling around in my head over and over. I keep pushing them back, send them away, and they keep coming back. Which is a little surprising, because I'm usually okay at bending them to my liking... But not this time.

I've never been much of a "it's fate"-thing kind of person. But there is no denying that these words in my head are fighting their way out one way or another - and they're winning. So, with nothing but honesty in my heart, I'm letting them out. [not all at once, so you get some of it now and some of it to come next month]

I've finally realised why it hurt so much more that he didn't want to stay friends, than it did when it all ended. You see, in my wild - and very naive - imagination, I though we could figure it all out as friends, without the pressure that comes with a relationship. Talk it out but still be there as each other support system like we had been in the years before. Take time to actually build the foundations we were severely lacking before and, maybe, maybe with time things could go back to the way they were (but better).  

I can see now how it was all mostly wishful thinking, and perhaps that's why I never actually voiced this idea - and as much as I enjoy being always right, this time I can't blame anyone but myself. 

I've been on this new road of self-discovery for what feels like five minutes and, although I've learned a whole lot, I already know it doesn't lead Home. 

Andie

current mood: grey with chance of rain
| also on my Instagram |

[Part 2]

There is more of this to come next month, keep tuned for that.. or don't, you do you.

The Hopeless Generation

On the rare occasions I venture out of the house for a night out with my friends (not that I am anti-social, I just don't like going out at night that much), it's hard not to notice all the other people that also decided that night was a good night to go out. We find ourselves usually in cramped bars or clubs permanently impregnated with an intense smell of cigarettes, where the music is loud, the people are louder and usually under the influence of something, either alcohol or something else. And it never ceases to amaze me, although not it a positive manner, the way my generation behaves these days. 

I belong to the Generation Y, the 90's Kids. We were brought up hearing how the world is full of possibilities, how we can be anything we want to be. The world is your oyster! Our childhoods were filled with fairy tales and wishful thinking.

But now we are all grown up, we realize all those promises were empty and there is almost nothing left for us to take. It turns out the world it's not an oyster, but an empty shell. My generation will have to work a million times harder to archive half the things our parents did, and even there it will not be enough. We'll be permanently plagued by thoughts of unworthiness; ... We, the hopeful kids, have grown into hopeless adults.

So it should be of no surprise to hear that all my friends' stories of great nights out begin when they are sufficiently intoxicated not to feel anything. That my generation needs the alcohol and drugs to have fun. We, the hopeful and full of hope kids, are exhausted, mentally exhausted, to the point of needing not to feel anything to feel something else. And it saddens me profoundly to see the point we are now. 

I like to believe that, amidst all darkness, there's still hope. Nothing has to - or can, really - be set in stone, but as long as we keep voicing our dreams, there's hope for a better future.  

Andie

Fog | Andie Maars | Exclusively on Blogger

Same Old New Year

Thirty-one days into the new year and it doesn't look new. Everything stayed just the same way it was thirty-two days ago, and somehow I feel disappointed. Not with the New Year per se, more with myself for thinking one number on the calendar would make any difference. 

I know all about those self-motivation things on how "if we want something, we have to be the ones going after that something" and what not... But the truth is, I don't really know what I want - I'm finding it extremely hard to set goals for both short and long terms (if my crappy New Year's Resolutions are anything to go by). Yes, I want to read more and take more pictures; those could easily be worked out for short term goals. I just have to pick a book from the pile that has been growing on my bookshelf, and I just have to take the camera the next time I leave the house... But I can't find in me any motivation to do any of those things. I'm stuck. 

Stuck between having too many unrealistic dreams for myself, having too many of those unrealistic dreams crushed recently, a depressingly low self-esteem, rainy days and nothing useful to do. I know, deep (really, really deep) inside that everything will, eventually, turn out alright. I'll somehow get my happy ending - whatever that means and however long it take to reach it -, but it will come. I'm just terrified of the time period between now and that day.

And there is still hope that, maybe, during the three hundred and thirty-five days this year has left, something new will come of it. 

So here's to being hopeful. 

Andie

Happy New Year to anyone that might be reading this. May your year have started in a less confused way! 

And if by chance you missed it, I updated my "final words" post like I said I would when the time was right. I guess that time has come. You can scroll down to look for it, or you can be lazy and click HERE. Until next time :) 

Still

It’s been a month and it still hurts. Not as much and not for the same reasons, but it still hurts. I’m still dealing with the emptiness, I still feel lost... But I don’t feel guilty anymore, for not insisting, for letting go. I’ve come to terms that it was the right thing to do. That my patience and bullshit tolerance have limits and those have been crossed way too many times before. I was, and still am, tired of fighting for something I once thought was meant to be; the doubts grow higher with each day that goes by without him.

I’m slowly learning how to let go; letting go of the feelings, of the automatic responses to certain actions. It’s much like having too many clothes that just don’t fit anymore and it is time to give them away, hoping someone will make better use of them than I can right now.

It has been a month and it feels both so far away and too close, too fresh, still burning. I am braving trough unknown waters in search for a safe haven, but my compass is wayward and the right direction is as blurry as it has ever been; I’m just sailing alone now.

In between the unknown, there is one thing I know for sure: no excuse, no explanation will ever be enough. Nothing can justify this, what I’m feeling, the emptiness…

There is nothing left unsaid now. All the T’s were crossed and all the I’s were dotted.

But it still hurts.

Andie

Alone | Andie Maars | Exclusively on blogger

Breathe

I need...time. I need time to do all the work, to finish all the assignments, time to sleep. 

My life has been so hectic in the past few weeks that I need more time than what is possible to have. I need days to have more than 24 hours, I need weeks to have more than 7 days. I need time to finish all I have to do a still have time left for the ones I love; the very same ones I've been neglecting lately. Sleep, I desperately need to sleep.

And if the lack of time and sleep wasn't enough, now add guilt to the mixture and that's how messed up I'm feeling right now. It's like I'm standing at the top of a cliff, looking down at the furious wakes crashing against the rocks, and never in my entire life I felt so inclined to just breath in...and jump. 

But screaming at me won't help, it is not helping. Adding more stress to the already huge pile is the last thing I need. All it does is making me want to run. Run away from all the responsabilities, to some place where I don't have chores, assignments, obligations and deadlines. Somewhere I don't have a million of things to do. Somewhere I don't feel like I'm a disappointment for not living up to someones expectations...

I am tired. I just need time...

Just Breathe... | by ~AndieMaars | Exclusively on blogger

Andie

Sunday Rant #2 Why?

Everything seems to be falling apart in my life lately (hence why I didn't follow trough with the promise of making #Sunday Rant a biweekly thing)... 

I'm having a hard time keeping up with my deadlines, my coworkers are a huge pain in the butt (and this is me being nice!), I have millions of things to do and I still have to squeeze my significant other into my already jammed schedule. The problem? Our schedules are complete opposites and the load of work doesn't seem like it will slow down anytime soon. 

Have I mention that my head has been trying to kill me lately too? And my headache medicine does not work as effectively as it used to which leaves me with the hard (super hard) task of trying to find something that works - and believe me, my headaches are very demanding with its medicines, the aspirin has long stopped working for me. 

So I ask why. Why me? Why does life has to me so messed up? And you know what else doesn't help the situation? My significant other seems to think it's my fault, that I don't try hard enough. I just don't know what else to do.

I'm tired, I need to sleep in for like a week to be remotely okay again and nobody seems to understand that.

Help?

Andie

Nostalgia

Lately I've been thinking that something is missing. Something I can't even recall however still can't help but miss... Something I really never had as mine, is it even possible? Like there's a huge hole inside me and I've no idea how to heal it again. I've been using other things to fill it up, so it won't hurt...but that's just a short cut I know it won't bring me to the end, it will keep me going around and around without going anywhere, just so the  time will pass; because "time cures everything"- they say. 

"Time cures everything"- they say. And what do I thing about that? I think that's the biggest lie I've ever heard. Because time doesn't really cure anything, we cure ourselves, or someone else does; and Time, is not any of those.

Not really long ago I wrote about how much I'm sorry about somethings that happened...But right here and now I don't really regret that much, the way things ended up to be. Because I don't believe that "everything is meant to be", otherwise I believe things happen because someone make or let them happen. And I don't regret that person, at all. How could I? It brought me so many memories... Memories I now treasure, knowing I'll soon forget; because that's how life is: it let us create memories we want to remember forever, but makes us forget them so we won't get hurt because they're just that, just memories.

And why are they "just" memories? Because we try, try, try...Until one of us stops trying; then we forget. I don't regret it, I won't regret it. Yes, things got to a point of most surely no return, and that can be somehow sad. But today, now, I can move on because I know it wasn't me who stop trying.

A new beginning by ~NaBHaN  

~Andie

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[Not sure if it's already finished or not...But any suggestion is welcome :D ]