All Out [part 2]

As the year mark gets closer, it dawns on me that one whole year has in fact just gone by. Where did time go? It feels like everything just flew by me too fast and simultaneously not fast enough. I still feel the same way I did back then, and I'm still unsure why. I moved on - or so I thought -, just to fall back into the same hole I believed being finally free from.

But it's with no shame whatsoever I admit that, even after all this time, he is still my favourite thing to write about (directly or indirectly, however hard I try to fight it). There are countless words and ideas swirling in my head at all times and, when it's not work related stuff, it's about him. And I've fought so, so hard against then... But there are things that just don't change.

I'm trapped between the need to move on and the reluctance to do so.

[Disclaimer: I was positively way past "just tipsy" when I begun writing this, so I had to stop myself here and sleep it over, or this would have gotten really depressing real fast]

So, in my recent trip to Ghent I left some of my ghosts by the river, in-between autumn coloured trees and large cups of tea. I boarded that plane with a heavy soul and a desperate need to get away from reality, even if just for a week. I return somewhat lighter, with less weight on my shoulders, and an overwhelming desire to embrace the world, to embrace Life, exactly as it is.

I will admit I had thought that, by now, the emptiness would be gone... And in some ways it is. But I find that void sometimes filled with such negative ideas that make me wonder if it wouldn't be better to just keep that space empty. I still feel just as alone as I did, it still hurts just as much. But I know now that there will always be some kind of void left behind; that nothing will ever be capable of completely fill that. There will be other things to balance the scale, there will be other unfillable voids.

New things are scary. And I've come to realise that there are some things, besides unfillable voids, I didn't know I was afraid of.

I didn't know I had trust issues (and to some extent I don't). But the mere idea of trusting someone, of depending on someone, on any other level beyond friendship makes me shut down and run for the hills. Maybe it's because I've tried trusting and it didn't worked out, maybe is one of those unfading voids, maybe I'm just still broken. How in any other way would I still look in the mirror and not like what is staring back? I became dependent on what others saw in me and stopped caring about what I saw in myself.

But I'm getting better at fighting my ghosts in this "self love" thing; I'm ready to accept that not everything will go as planned or as dreamt. And that big what if is a dream I'm finally ready to wake up from.

Andie

fly away

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[Part 1]

[I don't usually recommend musics for my posts, but I had Sermon by James Arthur on repeat while writing this]

This is my Pity Party weekend. Today would have been the first day of our 4th year anniversary weekend, because we couldn't agree about in which day it had actually started - the 12th or the 13th. I'd like to believe that, in a perfect world,  right now we'd be somewhere getting lost. 

I've learned that we can wish all the happiness in the world to someone, but that doesn't mean it will happen. So I just hope that, wherever he is, that he is okay.

Off the Road

I find it extremely amusing and simultaneously not funny at all how unpredictable Life is. 

I am sure we have all heard or read it before, be it in films or books, or by words of someone else. But I hadn't been able to fully grasp the concept of said unpredictability until the day I felt the road I was walking on being swiped off from under my feet (metaphorically speaking of course). 

Truth be told, that road was anything but flat. It was bumpy with dangerous twist and turns, and multiple exit lanes... And it was much like driving through unknown lands: I had a destination in mind but no clue on how to get there. I was slowly paving my yellow brick road and I knew exactly where I wanted it to lead to - but that didn't make each step any less terrifying. 

My biggest mistake was setting my mind on one, and only one, destination without really caring about the journey as a whole. I was so focused on how I wanted it to end that I paid little notice on how I was gonna get there... Until the only option left was an exit lane. It was as if, all of a sudden, the road lost its colour and everything was dull and blurry and there were no more bricks left. 

I had been driven off the road. 

I had been driven off the road by the very same goal I was trying to reach. And for a very long time I tried to find a detour, to turn back and pave a different way around the chaos... But that was it, there was no way out, no way the same journey could still go on. 

Now all that's left is to find a new destination, new unknown roads to walk to, new paths to pave... But from now onward, I vow to make each yellow brick count.

Andie

Chasing Pavements | Andie Maars | Exclusively on Blogger

Changes

Hello

As you can see, the blog went through a huge change: Lily is no longer posting. She certainly has her reasons, and life goes on...

So now is just me, Andie. Hope you'll still stick around :)

I'm thinking about start post not only long texts but shorter things, a little rambling now and then...That way I could post more often. What do you think?

Let me know please. And feel free to leave suggestion about anything, really anything. New ideias for posts, photos, even music to play here!

~Andie Maars

Distance

I never for once though we would get this far, this far from each other. From inseparable to disposable, and that hurts. How did we change from everything to nothing, the meaning of us?

Who though distance could change people like that... But it didn't have to be like that, I know people who made it through. So why can't we?

You'd just shrug and say: "Things change"

We can change style, company or environment and everything else around us changes too. But there's some things that shouldn't change; things I once thought had roots deeper and stronger that any change.

I was wrong.

I was wrong, I know it now. I learned it the harder way: I only realized once it was already too late to bring things back to where they used to belong. Still, I wake up every day wishing nothing had changed or that nothing changes again. And every day I fall asleep with the same disappointment filling my tired soul. 

I'm tired. Tired of fighting, of being the only one who cares, of being the only one carrying the blame when I know it's not all my fault.

Because I didn't stop trying, did I ?!?

I don't care (Appleberry) | by ~AndieMaars | Exclusively on blogger  

                                                                                                                   ~Andie

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And without having anything related to this post, I'd just like to wish a Happy Birthday to a wonderful friend of mine. Even without you noticing, you were there in the moment I needed the most; Thank you for making me smile again J :)