raw, unfiltered truth.

The last few months have been a roller coaster of emotions I've had a hard time dealing with. Here's why.

Try as I may, there is no way around the fact that I felt out of love with the person I was once committed to love for a lifetime (yes, the same that promised not to break my heart and ended up doing just that).

I wish I could say it was just because of one big thing, that there was one set reason why - like getting your heart broken. But that is not the truth. It is never that simple.

The truth lies somewhere between all the little things we spend half the time ignoring, and the other half worshipping. Things that on their own are petty and meaningless, but together have the power to break the deepest and strongest of bonds.

Our bond hadn't been strong for a long time. And, in Ed Sheeran's fashion, crumbled like pastries.

The truth lies somewhere in the fact that we grew apart for too long to still know how to do so together. Like two lines that were forced to run parallel to each other and now can never cross paths again.

I don't know what the real truth is anymore...

So I walk alone once more. But then again, there is this little voice inside me whispering that, perhaps, I've been doing just that for a while.

andie.

The Reasons Why {updated version}

I want to write you one hundred letters.

To say hello. To inquire how you’ve been and if life has been fair with you – because I know I wasn’t. To say hello again and wonder about your plans for later, tomorrow and another day. To apologise for how unfairly I painted my memories of you. To reminisce about old times – do you miss them as much as I do?

To apologise again for blaming you for all my teen-age years’ insecurities; for all the times my emotions got the best of me and I blamed you for them. To express my profound sadness for the years we lost contact – would things be different now had we stayed in touch?

To apologise one more time for all the negative feelings I embed in my words towards you, both written and thought – even if they never reached you. To let you know that I don’t blame you for all that teenager-y recklessness back in the days. To assure you I’ve made my peace with the past and that I’m looking forward to the future.

To wonder if there is any chance I can be a part of those plans you have for later, tomorrow and another day. One for each day we’ve been away since the re-connection. And another for all those late night conversations. For all in me that was dormant and that you woke with all your smiles. And one to thank you again for bringing back all the hope I had lost. For making me feel wanted (and I can’t thank you enough for that). And one more just because it’s you.

To let you know you’ve been my light at the end of yet another tunnel; thank you for shining so bright. To thank you for making me believe again that there are still reasons to be happy.

Andie 

Update: So, if you read the first version of this text when I first posted it, you'll notice some changes in this updated version. I'm all for honesty and I did feel everything that was in the first draft when I wrote it...
But I also have to admit that it was posted for all the wrong reasons, so I'm happier with this version of 'The Reasons Why'. Enjoy!

Maybe This Time (New Beginnings)

There are many parts of me that came from him. Or were, at least, planted there by him - by things he did and things he said (some even from what was left unsaid). It breaks me to know that not everything I took with me when he left was good. There were habits developed as an involuntary response to his actions, his ideals - but mostly to his absence -, that frightens me; that’s not who I am.

I spent years trying so hard to form and cement a connection... Only to find myself, now, cleaning the mess that remains of what once was; trying even harder to sever all ties built. In the middle of all that, I failed to see how I was losing myself in a vain attempt to fit a mold I wasn’t made to fit. But back then that didn't matter much because his arms were my safe heaven...until they stopped being that and became a trap he couldn't wait to see me out of fast enough.

I wandered in my unconsciousness for so long. Lost, looking for an answer, any kind of answer. But there isn't really one... There is no cure for my almost chameleonic ability that keeps making me try to blend into my surroundings; even if it means leaving parts of me behind.

But even after all that failed, there is still hope – a new light at the end of yet another tunnel. And here I am, at the start of a new journey (or perhaps a new road), hoping this time it leads home.

Andie

Off the Road

I find it extremely amusing and simultaneously not funny at all how unpredictable Life is. 

I am sure we have all heard or read it before, be it in films or books, or by words of someone else. But I hadn't been able to fully grasp the concept of said unpredictability until the day I felt the road I was walking on being swiped off from under my feet (metaphorically speaking of course). 

Truth be told, that road was anything but flat. It was bumpy with dangerous twist and turns, and multiple exit lanes... And it was much like driving through unknown lands: I had a destination in mind but no clue on how to get there. I was slowly paving my yellow brick road and I knew exactly where I wanted it to lead to - but that didn't make each step any less terrifying. 

My biggest mistake was setting my mind on one, and only one, destination without really caring about the journey as a whole. I was so focused on how I wanted it to end that I paid little notice on how I was gonna get there... Until the only option left was an exit lane. It was as if, all of a sudden, the road lost its colour and everything was dull and blurry and there were no more bricks left. 

I had been driven off the road. 

I had been driven off the road by the very same goal I was trying to reach. And for a very long time I tried to find a detour, to turn back and pave a different way around the chaos... But that was it, there was no way out, no way the same journey could still go on. 

Now all that's left is to find a new destination, new unknown roads to walk to, new paths to pave... But from now onward, I vow to make each yellow brick count.

Andie

Chasing Pavements | Andie Maars | Exclusively on Blogger

Same Old New Year

Thirty-one days into the new year and it doesn't look new. Everything stayed just the same way it was thirty-two days ago, and somehow I feel disappointed. Not with the New Year per se, more with myself for thinking one number on the calendar would make any difference. 

I know all about those self-motivation things on how "if we want something, we have to be the ones going after that something" and what not... But the truth is, I don't really know what I want - I'm finding it extremely hard to set goals for both short and long terms (if my crappy New Year's Resolutions are anything to go by). Yes, I want to read more and take more pictures; those could easily be worked out for short term goals. I just have to pick a book from the pile that has been growing on my bookshelf, and I just have to take the camera the next time I leave the house... But I can't find in me any motivation to do any of those things. I'm stuck. 

Stuck between having too many unrealistic dreams for myself, having too many of those unrealistic dreams crushed recently, a depressingly low self-esteem, rainy days and nothing useful to do. I know, deep (really, really deep) inside that everything will, eventually, turn out alright. I'll somehow get my happy ending - whatever that means and however long it take to reach it -, but it will come. I'm just terrified of the time period between now and that day.

And there is still hope that, maybe, during the three hundred and thirty-five days this year has left, something new will come of it. 

So here's to being hopeful. 

Andie

Happy New Year to anyone that might be reading this. May your year have started in a less confused way! 

And if by chance you missed it, I updated my "final words" post like I said I would when the time was right. I guess that time has come. You can scroll down to look for it, or you can be lazy and click HERE. Until next time :) 

2015 in Retrospect

Here it is, the last post of 2015. And what a year it was! It had its highs and lows, and the average in betweens... It seems so uneventful and at the same time so much happened, so many things changed.

Although I keep getting older (not wiser, though), I've never felt more grown up than now, after this 12 months; more so than ever before. But there is still so much room for growing up, so much space to learn more, to explore more, to dream more... to live more! If someone had told me earlier this year that this is how it was going to end, I wouldn't have believed it.

I've witnessed the importance of having just the right people in my life, and I couldn't end this year on a high note (ok, scratch that as it might be a little farfetched...) happy note without any of my wonderful friends, especially C (she's the best!). I've learned to accept the universal truth that Life it's indeed not fair, and there isn't much to do about it other that look for a detour every time I hit a "road block" and keep going. 

I usually don't bother with New Years' Resolutions, as I end up either forgetting or not completing them. But maybe it's something I need to do: make "light", non-committal promises (that don't result in the apocalypse if I happen to break them) and stick to them; work them to my advantage. So here are some things I'll try to accomplish next year:

• Smile more
• Count my blessings (more often)
• Have more "Me" time
• Read more (I have so many books on my waiting list that it's not even funny)
• Take the camera out of the house more often
• Make new memories (preferentially happy ones)

And just for the fun of it, here is my year of 2015 in the most random picture I took each month.

2015...Random Mode | Andie Maars

See you next year,

Andie

P.S - If you found picture #10 odd, that's because I was so bored that day that spending nearly 1-hour taking glam shots of an apple seemed like a good idea! 

Still

It’s been a month and it still hurts. Not as much and not for the same reasons, but it still hurts. I’m still dealing with the emptiness, I still feel lost... But I don’t feel guilty anymore, for not insisting, for letting go. I’ve come to terms that it was the right thing to do. That my patience and bullshit tolerance have limits and those have been crossed way too many times before. I was, and still am, tired of fighting for something I once thought was meant to be; the doubts grow higher with each day that goes by without him.

I’m slowly learning how to let go; letting go of the feelings, of the automatic responses to certain actions. It’s much like having too many clothes that just don’t fit anymore and it is time to give them away, hoping someone will make better use of them than I can right now.

It has been a month and it feels both so far away and too close, too fresh, still burning. I am braving trough unknown waters in search for a safe haven, but my compass is wayward and the right direction is as blurry as it has ever been; I’m just sailing alone now.

In between the unknown, there is one thing I know for sure: no excuse, no explanation will ever be enough. Nothing can justify this, what I’m feeling, the emptiness…

There is nothing left unsaid now. All the T’s were crossed and all the I’s were dotted.

But it still hurts.

Andie

Alone | Andie Maars | Exclusively on blogger

the end of a love story

I have read hundreds of books with love stories, and that many (if not more) of broken hearts. I have read enough to think that by now I'd be able to predict the aftermath, to know what to expect when the love story turns into a broken heart. I predicted the shock and the tears. The irrational anger and utter disappointment. Confusion and clarity...the loneliness. 

The shock hit me first, out of the blue, like a punch straight to my lungs. The tears threatened to fall...but I held strong. The anger of knowing something so beautiful had just got irreparably broken, and the disappointment of the biggest promise he didn't keep. Liar

The confusion of wondering who would make me happy from now on, and the clarity of realizing he was never the source of that happiness. Loneliness being solved by a phone call to the best friend that had always been there in times of need. 

However, never in a million of years would I have expected to feel this... empty. 

I'd like to think of myself as a happy person, at least for most of the time. Nevertheless, the moment it finally sank in that it was over, I felt as if I had never had any feelings at all. What hurt the most weren't any of those things. No, what hurt the most was the sudden emptiness of my future: the unfulfilled promises, the adventure we would never get to live, the imaginary babies that would never be born...

A part of me that didn't exist yet died today...

People will say I need to be strong, that everything will be alright. But I've dodged a few stones thrown my way before and this will not be the one to take me down. I will not fall, nor will my tears. This story may end here, but my life does not and certainly will not my happiness.

~Andie

Restart

I realized my posts were slowly stepping down trough what I like to call the "Depressed Line", and were getting dangerously closer to the bottom. And that fact scared me. Because that it's a place I thought I'd never return to and, unknowingly, I was already there again. 

Sometimes I don't understand myself. I really don't. Yes, some depressing stuff happened; but I lived. I lived, I got over it and rediscovered my smile; and new reasons to smile too. I found new people that actually deserved my attention, my affection , my dedication... and I got over it, I did. But sometimes it all comes back for no reason; like the memory needed to me remembered the same way a dog needs to be petted. It's seems that there's some kind of trigger that starts it, I just haven't figure it out yet. It could be anything, a song, a picture, a place...All I know is that, when I notice it, there's already a new slightly depressive text on the blog. It could be compared to post traumatic stress disorder, only in a less, less severe way. 

But that ends today, right now. No more depressed stuff. No more references to whatever happened in the past. If tears have to be shed, then let it be for laughing too much to the point I can't stand on my feet and my belly hurts. If tears have to be shed, then let it be for something I can control; like bumping my elbow on something (because that hurts, a lot). And if tears have to be shed, then let it happen only when there's nothing else I can do to prevent it.

I took a lot of thinking into this. I gave my self a  last opportunity to revive all the bad moments, to see if I could find the moment when I made everything go wrong. And honestly, I can't find it; because given the circumstances, I did nothing wrong. And that is it, the end. My head is clear, and I regret nothing. 

Maybe it will take some more time to heal. Maybe things won't get back to the way they were before that fast; or maybe they just simply won't get back to how they were. But you know what?! It doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matter is that everything will, eventually, get better. 

Today, I finally forgive myself.

Do Not Low Your Head, Ever | by ~AndieMaars | Exclusively on blogger

~Andie