Irreplaceable. Gone

[Please read all the way 'till the end and you'll understand what this it.]

"One day, someone asked me if I had found the love of my life. 

I answered:

I did, once. But I let her go. One day she was here and in the other she had vanished; "Gone with the wind". And it was my fault. I used to think about her as a safety net because she was always there. I was stupid because I knew she loved me, but I never loved her back while I could. I kissed her once or twice but then I... I pushed her away of my life because she always asked too many questions; now I know she was only being careful because I had already broken her heart before. She only needed to be sure I was into it as much as she was. But I wasn’t. I’m ashamed to say that I was using her to forget someone that broke my heart before. And she didn’t deserve it, at all. She was the sweetest, most funny, loveliest girl I’ve ever met and I broke her. I broke her so bad… I lost her in the day I decide she wasn’t good enough to me and started dating another girl. I bet she noticed, she always notices those things. But she was. Oh gosh she was too good to me, and she knew it but she chose me anyway… and I let her down.

I thought she was being hard when I first tried to kiss her because she didn’t like me… A few months later I figure it out that in that night I told her I still loved my ex-girlfriend; that’s why she kept push me away all night long. But then I called her in the week that followed and she didn’t hesitate when I tried then. Now I can imagine what she thought: I called her, so I want to be with her. She interpreted that call as I silent yes I never said.  And I should, I should have said yes while I could...

Now is too late.

I saw her a few days ago, in the street. There she was, beautiful as always; even more I would say. There she was, holding hands with a man I didn’t know. She seemed happy, really happy. It was obvious she loved the man she was holding hands with. For just a second I thought I saw something shiny on her left hand; and engagement ring perhaps… I took too long to realize she was the one I wanted, and someone else did. I didn’t say a word; just froze in the middle of the street when I saw her coming in my direction. And she passed through me without blinking; she didn’t recognize me. Or maybe she did (she told me once when we were just kids that she hardly forgets a face), as the guy that broke her heart, twice

Although I know I would be a better man with her by my side, what I saw was she being better without me, happier without me; and noticed I was miserable without her.  In that moment, I wished I had answered all those text messages she used to send – “just to say hi ” as she used to reply if I asked – just to keep in touch. But I used to ignored her most of the time. “She’s just a kid”, I used to think.  After that, I realized she had alway been much more mature than I, in so many ways.

Sometimes I wonder about what invited her in the first place. What could I have possibly done for her to fall for me…?  And I can’t find an answer.  She was perfect and I was, and honestly still am, stupid.

I wished I could apologize, for all the pain I caused, for all the things I haven’t done or said; for all the no’s she had to ear. Maybe I could even ask for another chance (if what she felt was real she still feels it, right?); because maybe, just maybe, that shiny reflection might have been an illusion.  Who am I trying to trick? She gave me too many chances, so asking for another one its suicide… but if I could, I would.

What wouldn’t I give just to start all over again with her…! But she is priceless. Even thought, I would give everything to have her in my arms again; for one last chance I know I don’t deserve." 

~Andie Maars

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This text belongs to a story I'm writing  (I've posted some other texts/poems from it around here*) but this one is in the P.O.V of a new character that doesn't have a name yet :D

*And here they are: , "Irrational Fear" , "Dream" and "I remember you"'...Remember them?

"I remember you"

I felt the weight of the eyelids on my eyes and I fell asleep again.

And he comes back before my eyes, his hand still extended in front of me, the same mute invitation waiting for me. This time I don’t wait, I don’t hesitate, don’t linger to travel the short distance that separates us and grab his hand, arm, grab it all in my embrace and whisper in his ear that I love him and will never leave him, never again. I kiss every surface of his bare skin I can reach, trying to retain as much of him in me. Because, even if he can't go back, this way I can take some of him with me, that it will be forever etched in my mind. And in the midst of this frenzy, I notice that I don’t understand this love that unites us and consumes us, which revolves us and then return us back finally to each other's arms to later break the embrace once more. As a vicious cycle that never stops and kills me slowly. But soon I sweep this idea off my mind when I realize that he’s finally with me, really there with me. That there, in that dream, he is no longer a lifeless body lying asleep in a hospital bed; it’s Life, it’s my life that returns to me. And at that moment I feel more alive than ever, filled with energy that springs from my every pore; maybe this might be what they call complete happiness. Again I look into his eyes, those big green eyes that always smile, trying to retain them in detail in my memory. I notice that during all that time I kept uttering the same words over and over. "I love you." Also noticed that he still said nothing. He merely looked at me with a smile on the lips and on the eyes - those big green eyes that always smile. And I look at him for what seems an eternity, and still not get tired of looking; I will never get tired of looking at him. Finally, he takes a deep breath and whispers something to me: "I remember you".

 ~Andie Fern Maars

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Hey people!  (if there's anyone)Here's another piece of that story of mine. I prefer this one over the other two I already posted*, but it was too detailed to cut short  and also too big for a poem. Enjoy and let me know what you think.  (:

[And it's totally and completely fictional, nothing related to me nor my life, so you know.]

*if you haven't read them yet, here's the links "Irrational Fear" , "Dream" and the new one: "Irreplaceable. Gone"

Dream

I dreamed he was standing right there

Looking back at me with those huge eyes that always smile

And, still staring, he asks me if I love him as much as I said

And I answer that I love him even more that what I've said...

Because there aren't enough words 

To describe everything he means to me. 

And he would smile again and stretched out his hand

In a mute invitation for me to join him; 

Where I always belonged.

I approach him;

One step at a time, 

'Cause I'm afraid he'll just fade away into the air;

I'm almost there

I already feel the heat and the smell emanating from his skin

Almost feel my finger brushing against his hand

Then someone hits a door...

And I wake up, losing you again.

I nearly feel like crying;

I almost had you with me 

And someone takes you away, again.

But I refrain myself, and resigned, 

I slowly open my eyes.

I'm still where I fell asleep...

Come back to me by ~NaBHaN

~Andie Maars

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Again, this - I think you can call it poem - is from that little story I'm writing. Originally is a text written in prose but I adapted this part also because I also though it was kind of poetical :D Let me know what you think, please.

[And it's totally and completely fictional, nothing related to me nor my life, so you know.]

If you want to read other pieces of this story here are the links: "I remember you", "Irrational Fear" and "Irreplaceable. Gone"

Irrational Fear

I'm scared, love
I'm scared that I might no longer be strong enough for you.
All this mess left me on my knees,Torn to pieces tired to the bones.
I never felt so heavy
And I even think I'm thinner, just with the nerves.

Every step away from you
Hurts as much as if someone was stringing something inside me;
I’m tired love, exhausted.
And I will be dead if they find me here
Because now that I have you so close,
That I no longer have that damn window separating us,
I don’t know if I can go back to the other side.

Keep me close to you.

Picture by me (:

~Andie Maars

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Just for the records, this - I think you can call it poem - is from a little story I've been writing for a long time. Originally is a text written in prose but I adapted this little part because I though it was kind of poetical :D
[And it's totally and completely fictional, nothing related to me nor my life, so you know.]

If you want to read other pieces of this story here are the links: "I remember you" , "Dream"and "Irreplaceable. Gone"