Wednesday, December 30, 2015

2015 in Retrospect

Here it is, the last post of 2015. And what a year it was! It had its highs and lows, and the average in betweens... It seems so uneventful and at the same time so much happened, so many things changed.

Although I keep getting older (not wiser, though), I've never felt more grown up than now, after this 12 months; more so than ever before. But there is still so much room for growing up, so much space to learn more, to explore more, to dream more... to live more! If someone had told me earlier this year that this is how it was going to end, I wouldn't have believed it.

I've witnessed the importance of having just the right people in my life, and I couldn't end this year on a high note (ok, scratch that as it might be a little farfetched...) happy note without any of my wonderful friends, especially C (she's the best!). I've learned to accept the universal truth that Life it's indeed not fair, and there isn't much to do about it other that look for a detour every time I hit a "road block" and keep going. 

I usually don't bother with New Years' Resolutions, as I end up either forgetting or not completing them. But maybe it's something I need to do: make "light", non-committal promises (that don't result in the apocalypse if I happen to break them) and stick to them; work them to my advantage. So here are some things I'll try to accomplish next year:

  • Smile more
  • Count my blessings (more often)
  • Have more "Me" time
  • Read more (I have so many books on my waiting list that it's not even funny)
  • Take the camera out of the house more often
  • Make new memories (preferentially happy ones)

And just for the fun of it, here is my year of 2015 in the most random picture I took each month.

2015...Random Mode | Andie Maars
See you next year,

P.S - If you found picture #10 odd, that's because I was so bored that day that spending nearly 1-hour taking glam shots of an apple seemed like a good idea! 

Monday, December 21, 2015


It’s been a month and it still hurts. Not as much and not for the same reasons, but it still hurts. I’m still dealing with the emptiness, I still feel lost... But I don’t feel guilty anymore, for not insisting, for letting go. I’ve come to terms that it was the right thing to do. That my patience and bullshit tolerance have limits and those have been crossed way too many times before. I was, and still am, tired of fighting for something I once thought was meant to be; the doubts grow higher with each day that goes by without him.

I’m slowly learning how to let go; letting go of the feelings, of the automatic responses to certain actions. It’s much like having too many clothes that just don’t fit anymore and it is time to give them away, hoping someone will make better use of them than I can right now.

It has been a month and it feels both so far away and too close, too fresh, still burning. I am braving trough unknown waters in search for a safe haven, but my compass is wayward and the right direction is as blurry as it has ever been; I’m just sailing alone now.

In between the unknown, there is one thing I know for sure: no excuse, no explanation will ever be enough. Nothing can justify this, what I’m feeling, the emptiness…

There is nothing left unsaid now. All the T’s were crossed and all the I’s were dotted.

But it still hurts.


Alone | Andie Maars | Exclusively on blogger

Sunday, December 6, 2015

final words

26/01/2016 Update: As promised, here is the new improved version. Now that the I no longer feel all that anger, it has been polished and thought trough... but I believe the core ideas remain.

Dear F 

I’ve lost count of how many days have gone by since it all ended; it feels both so far away and too close. I haven't forgotten anything, the good and the bad, the promises and the lies...But deep inside, I can't find it in me to hate you (much to your disappointment).  

There are still days when I wake up missing you, wondering how you are doing. I have come to terms that my feelings for you after that fateful day have changed, a lot. But the emptiness is still there, lodged deep in my heart. I miss you, but I don't want you back.

I want you to know that I'll always care for you because, at some point in time, you were one of the most important people in my life - and that was real (even if everything else might have not). I learned a lot from you, and I know that all this gave me a new understanding of Life and, more importantly, of myself. 

I've learned where my standards stand now; I know how to know when to give up and when to keep fighting. I've learned that not bringing up a subject just because I don't like arguments won't do. I need to stand for what I believe is right - if not for everyone, at least for myself -, and we stand at opposite sides in so many core ideas... The best analogy I can find is that we began building the house by the roof, and with no foundations it just...collapsed.

I’m still re-learning to look at things without associating them with memories of you, and it gets easier with every day that passes. I keep finding all the little things that make life worth living that had skipped my mind this past 3 years; the world is a beautiful place and I can see now why. The grieving process is over.

I learned, I grew up and I changed. And maybe missing you is simply part of the process.

I hope you are happy and I, sincerely, wish you all the best.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

the end of a love story

I have read hundreds of books with love stories, and that many (if not more) of broken hearts. I have read enough to think that by now I'd be able to predict the aftermath, to know what to expect when the love story turns into a broken heart. I predicted the shock and the tears. The irrational anger and utter disappointment. Confusion and clarity...the loneliness. 

The shock hit me first, out of the blue, like a punch straight to my lungs. The tears threatened to fall...but I held strong. The anger of knowing something so beautiful had just got irreparably broken, and the disappointment of the biggest promise he didn't keep. Liar
The confusion of wondering who would make me happy from now on, and the clarity of realizing he was never the source of that happiness. Loneliness being solved by a phone call to the best friend that had always been there in times of need. 

However, never in a million of years would I have expected to feel this... empty. 

I'd like to think of myself as a happy person, at least for most of the time. Nevertheless, the moment it finally sank in that it was over, I felt as if I had never had any feelings at all. What hurt the most weren't any of those things. No, what hurt the most was the sudden emptiness of my future: the unfulfilled promises, the adventure we would never get to live, the imaginary babies that would never be born...

A part of me that didn't exist yet died today...

People will say I need to be strong, that everything will be alright. But I've dodged a few stones thrown my way before and this will not be the one to take me down. I will not fall, nor will my tears. This story may end here, but my life does not and certainly will not my happiness.


Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Ephemera of Life

Because going light didn't work for me, let’s try going real this time. 

I find Beauty to be something ephemeral; what is perceived as beautiful today might not be the same tomorrow. 

That's why I believe no relationship should be funded based on just that. Because, like everything else, beauty fades... and we will all, eventually, turn old and grey. A flawless skin will grow wrinkles, scars and spots; a fit body will lose its elasticity over time. We all have flaws, we all have cravings and we all deserve to do things that make us feel good. I don't want to feel guilty every time I eat something "unhealthy", nor will I ever willingly give up on sugar. Why should I? 

I cannot, in my righteous mind, give myself to someone that will only stay while things are pretty. I want to believe I have more to offer that just my body, I want to believe I have more "qualifications" besides physical attractiveness. I want (and need) to know someone will stay when things go ugly and when I grow old, grey and wrinkly. The world is already filled with too much superficiality for me to allow for the biggest one of them all to dictate my happiness. Because that is what it is at stake here, my happiness (and my heart) and I won't allow just anyone to juggle away with it at will.

So, if you are reading this and believe that beauty comes first, I really think you should take a step back and reevaluate your priorities in life. In all honesty, it's not fair to hold such thing against someone. No one should have to live in the constant uncertainty of an "if"; worrying if you're still pretty enough, if your significant other still thinks you are attractive enough and for how long it will remain that way. Life already has enough complications on its own. 

Speaking for myself only but, I would rather share my life with someone I can keep an intellectual conversation with and that, after all the years, still laughs at my lame jokes, rather than with someone who thinks I look good in pictures. Beauty and sexiness will fade, the body will decay... But your (un)happiness will still matter.

So the big question is: Do I really want something so superficial to be the foundation of a lifelong relationship? 
My answer: No, not really.


Disclaimer: I'm in no way trying to encourage unhealthy eating habits - I eat everything with moderation (well, except chocolate) and I am happy with my body just the way it is. 
You don't need to be Victoria's Secrets thin to be healthy. I just don't think the way my body looks like should dictate my life nor be the main reason for someone to be in/ leave my life - in either friendly or romantic situations. Updated: 14/10/2015

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Pet Peeves # LetsTalk Light

Talking (or writing) "light" is the last thing I feel like doing; my levels of frustration are way too high. But that also means nothing productive will ever come out if I attempt to write it down. Maybe in a few days, who knows... So I thought about doing the opposite, to try to fight the incoherence that's going on my mind, and venture onto lighter topics.

So lets talk about pet peeves. 

Pet Peeve
noun [C]  /ˈpet ˈpiv/
› something that especially annoys you

I have to be honest, I enjoy doing things (lets make it clear, not intentionally)  that can be classified as other people' pet peeves, such as drag my nails - or any object that may be on the table - along the table-cloth and click the pen until my thumb falls off. Therefor, there aren't many thing that annoy me to the point I feel like screaming to the person doing it. 

The first pet peeve is when, in restaurants, the servants keep pouring my drink for me when my glass is empty. If it's water or wine - which are drinks that usually everyone at the table is also drinking -, I don't mind at all. What annoys me its when it is coke (or any other drink that comes in a can or small bottle). I'm okay with it being opened for me when it first reaches the table, I'm NOT okay with it being poured into my glass afterwards. I don't drink sugar-y drinks very often, and when I do, I don't like to drink more than one can/bottle during the meal, so I try to only pour it in the glass when I feel like drinking it and avoid the temptation of drinking everything before the main course arrives. 

The second (and so far the last) is messy fridges/freezers. Both in the super market and at home. 
It annoys me to no end if, in the super market, people take out items from a fridge/ freezer but then change their minds and just throw it back inside, not caring if it is in the same place it was before. 

At home, is when someone decides that piling big containers on top of small ones or piling stuff on top of unstable things (like food that doesn't fit a container and is put in the fridge with film wrap around the pan/ dish), is a great (and safe) idea. It also annoys me to see food of the same 'category' in different shelves or drawers. When it gets really bad, I wait until everybody is asleep and venture to the kitchen to tidy up the fridge and make it look picture perfect. I also avoid looking in the freezer because everything in there that was stored in plastic bags as just thrown in there and it froze in odd shapes and now nothing fits anymore (and because my family also seems to have an aversion to labels, its impossible to identify 90% of the things that are stored there). Maybe, if I do it enough times, my family will finally learn to put all the cheese in the 'cheese drawer' (we really like cheese, okay?), and all the yogurts in the same shelf. 

A girl can dream...


I wish I was somewhere else... | by ~AndieMaars | Exclusively on blogger

Tuesday, April 21, 2015


I need...time. I need time to do all the work, to finish all the assignments, time to sleep. 

My life has been so hectic in the past few weeks that I need more time than what is possible to have. I need days to have more than 24 hours, I need weeks to have more than 7 days. I need time to finish all I have to do a still have time left for the ones I love; the very same ones I've been neglecting lately. Sleep, I desperately need to sleep.

And if the lack of time and sleep wasn't enough, now add guilt to the mixture and that's how messed up I'm feeling right now. It's like I'm standing at the top of a cliff, looking down at the furious wakes crashing against the rocks, and never in my entire life I felt so inclined to just breath in...and jump. 

But screaming at me won't help, it is not helping. Adding more stress to the already huge pile is the last thing I need. All it does is making me want to run. Run away from all the responsabilities, to some place where I don't have chores, assignments, obligations and deadlines. Somewhere I don't have a million of things to do. Somewhere I don't feel like I'm a disappointment for not living up to someones expectations...

I am tired. I just need time...

Just Breathe... | by ~AndieMaars | Exclusively on blogger


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Don't Listen

You know that feeling of self-doubt that arises when you hear something so many times you start believing its true, even if deep inside you know it’s not?

Like when you look in the mirror and see nothing wrong with your body, but if someone starts saying otherwise, over and over, with the sole purpose of upsetting you (and you know that)… But after a while you start looking in the mirror and not liking what you see anymore.

The power of suggestion used for hurtful intents can cause emotional scarring that runs deeper than any wound. Because physical scars can be empowering, they can be a reminder that you are strong, that you outlived something. But the emotional scar it’s always going to be there. Even if you overcome it, the self-doubt it’s still there and can (and probably will) come and go in its own “free will” at the most unexpected situations.

I know first-hand how cruel people can be with their words. And I know how the silliest thing can trigger and emotional episode, a thought or a state of mind that you fought so long in the past to get over. But I also think people in general are too attached to their own insecurities, and it’s not always their fault. We can blame society for how it makes us think that something it’s not right (even if we believe there’s nothing wrong with it) because it isn't socially accepted; that it’s wrong to do certain things or think in certain ways. Who stated that anyway? As long as it isn't causing damage or pain to anyone and is making us happy, why should it be wrong?

It’s our lives, we are the ones living it – not society. So be free, be spontaneous. Do whatever you want to do with the time you were given and be happy.

“Happiness depends upon ourselves” - Aristotle

Andie Maars

Friday, February 13, 2015

(Not) Sleeping [Beth]

She never said it would be easy, and never thought that either. But why it had to be so hard she did not know. And although this time around it wasn't anything serious, she wondered why it was affecting her this much.

Falling asleep had always been something she did effortlessly, and had been that way ever since she remembered she existed. So why now? Why something so petty had her turning over and over in her bed up till late at night (or better saying, early in the morning) until the exhaustion took over... Her mind had never been so full. The same disturbing thoughts swirling around all night long: Was the end near? Could she keep going? And was what she had enough to do so? It was time to reevaluate everything. The highs and the lows, the goods and the bad, the smiles and the tears. How much of each had her had... Was there enough of each to keep it balanced? She wasn't sure, not anymore.

He kept telling her to let it go; to forget the past and focus only on what was still to come. And she did, most of the time; until he'd do something that would bring back the memories of what could have been the end; death. To think it had been that close... such a dark place near such a pure person can never turn into something good. And although he said it wouldn't happen again, she wondered how true that would be, or for how long it would remain so.

- Andie

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Sunday Rant #3 Double Standards

I thought today was still Saturday! I really don't know where the entire day yesterday went.. (I probably shouldn't had been out till so late on Friday night *ups*).

Anyway, on to the reason I'm here and that is to talk about topics I don't like. Let’s talk about double standards. They are everywhere, however you don’t actually notice that until they get into collision course with you. And that happened to me lately more often that I’d have appreciated. It's like I was blind and I now I see...but wish I didn't? But then again the hardest part is, obviously, dealing with the people who use double standards as an excuse to not do something, then get truly offended if the same excuse actually applies to you too.

For example, I had a report that was due in the beginning of December and it was a group activity (and I had the misfortune of getting two partners while everyone else got just one). Right after the deadlines were set, I asked them multiple times how we were going to divide the work load, and got no answer whatsoever. 

Fast forward two weeks and I’m overloaded with work and other reports that were due in the meantime and they decide it’s the perfect time to demand, yes demand, that I magically complete the part I wasn't told I had to do, in just a few hours - because they really needed it. Logically, I said I couldn't do it because I had other things that were more urgent and what not; basically that I was busy and they had to wait. Their replay? "No can do, we are busy too with other things" (which roughly translates to: "we are busy with other things and you have to do this thing now because you cannot be busy and we want you to do it, but we won't do our part until two days before the deadline"). 

I was dumbfounded! So it’s acceptable for them to be busy but I can't, even though they knew I had the same work load as them?! In the end we worked it out, but too close to the deadline to my liking. Therefore, in the following times we had to work together I did all the work divisions myself ahead of time and took none of theirs excuses.