All Out [part 2]

As the year mark gets closer, it dawns on me that one whole year has in fact just gone by. Where did time go? It feels like everything just flew by me too fast and simultaneously not fast enough. I still feel the same way I did back then, and I'm still unsure why. I moved on - or so I thought -, just to fall back into the same hole I believed being finally free from.

But it's with no shame whatsoever I admit that, even after all this time, he is still my favourite thing to write about (directly or indirectly, however hard I try to fight it). There are countless words and ideas swirling in my head at all times and, when it's not work related stuff, it's about him. And I've fought so, so hard against then... But there are things that just don't change.

I'm trapped between the need to move on and the reluctance to do so.

[Disclaimer: I was positively way past "just tipsy" when I begun writing this, so I had to stop myself here and sleep it over, or this would have gotten really depressing real fast]

So, in my recent trip to Ghent I left some of my ghosts by the river, in-between autumn coloured trees and large cups of tea. I boarded that plane with a heavy soul and a desperate need to get away from reality, even if just for a week. I return somewhat lighter, with less weight on my shoulders, and an overwhelming desire to embrace the world, to embrace Life, exactly as it is.

I will admit I had thought that, by now, the emptiness would be gone... And in some ways it is. But I find that void sometimes filled with such negative ideas that make me wonder if it wouldn't be better to just keep that space empty. I still feel just as alone as I did, it still hurts just as much. But I know now that there will always be some kind of void left behind; that nothing will ever be capable of completely fill that. There will be other things to balance the scale, there will be other unfillable voids.

New things are scary. And I've come to realise that there are some things, besides unfillable voids, I didn't know I was afraid of.

I didn't know I had trust issues (and to some extent I don't). But the mere idea of trusting someone, of depending on someone, on any other level beyond friendship makes me shut down and run for the hills. Maybe it's because I've tried trusting and it didn't worked out, maybe is one of those unfading voids, maybe I'm just still broken. How in any other way would I still look in the mirror and not like what is staring back? I became dependent on what others saw in me and stopped caring about what I saw in myself.

But I'm getting better at fighting my ghosts in this "self love" thing; I'm ready to accept that not everything will go as planned or as dreamt. And that big what if is a dream I'm finally ready to wake up from.

Andie

fly away

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[Part 1]

[I don't usually recommend musics for my posts, but I had Sermon by James Arthur on repeat while writing this]

This is my Pity Party weekend. Today would have been the first day of our 4th year anniversary weekend, because we couldn't agree about in which day it had actually started - the 12th or the 13th. I'd like to believe that, in a perfect world,  right now we'd be somewhere getting lost. 

I've learned that we can wish all the happiness in the world to someone, but that doesn't mean it will happen. So I just hope that, wherever he is, that he is okay.

Honestly [part 1]

Lately, I've noticed that a lot of the same words and ideas keep swirling around in my head over and over. I keep pushing them back, send them away, and they keep coming back. Which is a little surprising, because I'm usually okay at bending them to my liking... But not this time.

I've never been much of a "it's fate"-thing kind of person. But there is no denying that these words in my head are fighting their way out one way or another - and they're winning. So, with nothing but honesty in my heart, I'm letting them out. [not all at once, so you get some of it now and some of it to come next month]

I've finally realised why it hurt so much more that he didn't want to stay friends, than it did when it all ended. You see, in my wild - and very naive - imagination, I though we could figure it all out as friends, without the pressure that comes with a relationship. Talk it out but still be there as each other support system like we had been in the years before. Take time to actually build the foundations we were severely lacking before and, maybe, maybe with time things could go back to the way they were (but better).  

I can see now how it was all mostly wishful thinking, and perhaps that's why I never actually voiced this idea - and as much as I enjoy being always right, this time I can't blame anyone but myself. 

I've been on this new road of self-discovery for what feels like five minutes and, although I've learned a whole lot, I already know it doesn't lead Home. 

Andie

current mood: grey with chance of rain
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[Part 2]

There is more of this to come next month, keep tuned for that.. or don't, you do you.

Monday Blues # 1 Hints and Consequences

I'm starting a new "thing" and I shall call it Monday Blues, and they're going to be a series of posts (posted whenever I feel like it, like every other post really) where, much like in the Sunday Rant ones, I'll be doing what I've been told I do apparently quite often - Complaining. But while on Sunday Rants I basically rant about things in general that I don't like, I'm using the Monday Blues to complain about myself and things I know I do/did wrong (mostly in retrospective, of course). It'll be like a personal analysis on my life choices that may turn useful in the future... who knows?

On this first edition I'd like to address my inability to take hints and to understand that, sometimes, even actions that needed to be taken have irreparable consequences.

There is really no excuse in regards of the first topic. No matter how good of an observant I can be for some things, there are simply other areas where I'm just going in completely blind. And that field would have to be the one where deep emotions are dealt with. And my inability to take hints comes hand in hand with those irreparable consequences I can't seem to predict.

I think it has to do with the fact that I spent most of my life, while growing up, bottling it all up, hiding, keeping it inside, because no one around me seemed to care long enough to hear it all. And that just made me kind of...closed off and slowed down my ability to connect and stay connected - and to completely trust anyone on that any level. But it also means that once you have my trust, and/or my care, I'm all in. That, while it can bring many great things, it also means when it goes wrong and that trust is broken, I'm the one that takes it the harder way; I'm the one that stays broken the longest.

At different points in my life, I've made the decision of cutting people off. I can't really remember all the reasons why (not that it happened that many times, really) and I know some were decisions made almost unconsciously - I just stopped trying to keep a connection and they never tried connecting back. It was a necessary decision then, I needed that space to think, to breath, to heal, to see the world in a different light. Or maybe I just didn't want those levels of toxicity around me.  But I don't think I've ever intended for any of those decisions to be permanent. No, in my wild and perhaps naïve imagination, I though I could press pause for a while and then restart again when I felt ready; when things felt...better. But Life doesn't come with a remote control. I was perfectly aware that some things would be lost, but never that I'd lose it all.

Looking back now, I feel sort of guilty. Seeing the hardships some people had to face, and feeling that maybe, just maybe, there was something I could have done or said to make it better had I been there.

But if there is one thing I've learned is that the past shall remain just that - past. Nothing good can ever come of trying to bring it back.

Today I shall make a vow to hold less things inside, and we shall see how that one goes. 

No Regrets.

Andie

Every day (What are you looking for?)

"What are you looking for, after all?" You asked before you turned your back to me and left; that was the last thing I heard of you.

What am I looking for, you ask? If I had the nerve to answer you, I’d call you back and say I’m looking for what’s good for me. And if I told you this face to face you’d put that look in your face, you know, that look like I’m being crazy for saying something nonsense. Then you’d probably be silence for a while, lost in your mind and then, you’d sigh and say: - "I could be good for you, I know I would".

I’d answer back that you were probably right; you could turn to be something good for me. But just because I know something is good for me, it still doesn’t mean my heart will think the same. There you’d laugh and say that the heart doesn’t think; and you’d probably say that with a tone of cynicism in your voice like I was lunatic for saying something like that. But deep inside you’d know I’m right for believing in that. Because you know me. You know how my heart was a ‘mind’ of his own and, honestly, doesn’t care if anything is right or wrong if it’s what it wants. Or at least you should know; haven’t you said you fell in love with me because of my words? Then you should know it was my heart that wrote all those words, all those confessions, because my own mind it’s too shy, too coward to express them.

              

Then you’d say that you’re tired of trying to fix me, of trying to make me understand that I need to let go and move on. Who are you to say if I need or not to let go? I could say you were implying that I'm still suffering because of that same old crap because I choose to do so. Who's the crazy one here now?

That would be the point when I’d lose it. I’d look you straight in the eye and I’d say: - "I’m not suffering, not anymore; I’m long past that. And if you think I’d ever choose to feel that way then you don’t know me at all; I’d never chose pain over happiness. And if you’re tired then go, no one asked you to stay; I always thought you were here because you wanted to be, no charge implied. Maybe you’re not that good to me; because what’s good for me is someone that will do the fixing without realizing I need it or that they’re doing it in the first place".

I need someone that will stay, even if it’s hard, even if they’ve to struggle to remain sane in this crazy world like I do; every day. 

~Andie Maars

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I was inspired and came up with this? I wanna know what you think, because your opinions matter to me. So... Please, let me know :)