Monday, August 29, 2016

Maybe This Time (New Beginnings)

There are many parts of me that came from him. Or were, at least, planted there by him - by things he did and things he said (some even from what was left unsaid). It breaks me to know that not everything I took with me when he left was good. There were habits developed as an involuntary response to his actions, his ideals - but mostly to his absence -, that frightens me; that’s not who I am.

I spent years trying so hard to form and cement a connection... Only to find myself, now, cleaning the mess that remains of what once was; trying even harder to sever all ties built. In the middle of all that, I failed to see how I was losing myself in a vain attempt to fit a mold I wasn’t made to fit. But back then that didn't matter much because his arms were my safe heaven...until they stopped being that and became a trap he couldn't wait to see me out of fast enough.

I wandered in my unconsciousness for so long. Lost, looking for an answer, any kind of answer. But there isn't really one... There is no cure for my almost chameleonic ability that keeps making me try to blend into my surroundings; even if it means leaving parts of me behind.

But even after all that failed, there is still hope – a new light at the end of yet another tunnel. And here I am, at the start of a new journey (or perhaps a new road), hoping this time it leads home.


Monday, August 1, 2016

Monday Blues # 1 Hints and Consequences

I'm starting a new "thing" and I shall call it Monday Blues, and they're going to be a series of posts (posted whenever I feel like it, like every other post really) where, much like in the Sunday Rant ones, I'll be doing what I've been told I do apparently quite often - Complaining. But while on Sunday Rants I basically rant about things in general that I don't like, I'm using the Monday Blues to complain about myself and things I know I do/did wrong (mostly in retrospective, of course). It'll be like a personal analysis on my life choices that may turn useful in the future... who knows?

On this first edition I'd like to address my inability to take hints and to understand that, sometimes, even actions that needed to be taken have irreparable consequences.

There is really no excuse in regards of the first topic. No matter how good of an observant I can be for some things, there are simply other areas where I'm just going in completely blind. And that field would have to be the one where deep emotions are dealt with. And my inability to take hints comes hand in hand with those irreparable consequences I can't seem to predict.

I think it has to do with the fact that I spent most of my life, while growing up, bottling it all up, hiding, keeping it inside, because no one around me seemed to care long enough to hear it all. And that just made me kind of...closed off and slowed down my ability to connect and stay connected - and to completely trust anyone on that any level. But it also means that once you have my trust, and/or my care, I'm all in. That, while it can bring many great things, it also means when it goes wrong and that trust is broken, I'm the one that takes it the harder way; I'm the one that stays broken the longest.

At different points in my life, I've made the decision of cutting people off. I can't really remember all the reasons why (not that it happened that many times, really) and I know some were decisions made almost unconsciously - I just stopped trying to keep a connection and they never tried connecting back. It was a necessary decision then, I needed that space to think, to breath, to heal, to see the world in a different light. Or maybe I just didn't want those levels of toxicity around me.  But I don't think I've ever intended for any of those decisions to be permanent. No, in my wild and perhaps na├»ve imagination, I though I could press pause for a while and then restart again when I felt ready; when things felt...better. But Life doesn't come with a remote control. I was perfectly aware that some things would be lost, but never that I'd lose it all.

Looking back now, I feel sort of guilty. Seeing the hardships some people had to face, and feeling that maybe, just maybe, there was something I could have done or said to make it better had I been there.

But if there is one thing I've learned is that the past shall remain just that - past. Nothing good can ever come of trying to bring it back.

Today I shall make a vow to hold less things inside, and we shall see how that one goes. 

No Regrets.