Sunday, March 11, 2012


Today I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize what I saw.

I had so many dreams, so many things I wished I had already achieved by now... I feel like I've disappointed myself,  for not being where I used to picture myself  in dreams not really long ago. But looking back, I can't tell where I lost the track of my life or where I've given up; because that's what I feel, that I've given up fighting, as if I didn't deserve none of those things I dreamed.

And as if feeling lost wasn't enough, lately my (not that dark but still disturbing and depressive) past seems to think is very funny to hunt me while I sleep, so that I can't move on nor forget you. To add to that, there's a song playing nearly 24/7 on my head (a song that I'm apparently composing little by little), and no mater how hard I try to deny it, is all about you. It's all about the things you said and the things you didn't, the things you done and the things you broke. I wish I was a singer good enough to finish it, record it and play it everywhere, so you would know.

A few weeks ago I found peace in something I'd never imagine I'd. To be honest I not only found peace but also thought I had found myself; I thought I was cured, cured from your ghost. But you never really left. I can see it now; you're just hidden. Damn you!!

But the dreams aren't always that bad, in some I see myself happy with someone else while you're depressed at a corner. In those good dreams I can visualize myself with a happy (and honestly frighteningly big) new family. I can see that that trip it wasn't completely in vain. I'm not cured, yet, but I've learned a way to get there. A way I'll walk one, twice, ten times, again and again when needed. I'll walk all those miles, and maybe, maybe one day those happy dreams might come true...and I'll find my way home.

Santiago, espérame. Volveré pronto..

Way | by AndieMaars | on DeviantArt
[You can find the original picture here]


[Yay! to another almost depressing post]
[I realized I don't really like the way this post turned up...I'll be rewriting (or posting another version) it anytime soon, so, if you like this one make sure you read it before its gone.]

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Picture it

Today I saw it happening. 

For a second I could see it in my mind, and you know what? It felt good, it felt right; as natural as breathing. In the moment I leaned my head on your shoulder, or when your hand held my back so I wouldn't fall with the sudden braking of the those moments I could picture us together. And it'd work out, almost perfectly. Even if I don't love you (can I dare to say yet?), even if there're things in you I can't stand, like how you defend, tooth and nail, that club of yours I despise and hate (as you know so well) or how sometimes your moods change so quickly I can hardly keep pace with... 

But still, it'd work out. We'd grow to love each other, together; we'd learn how to love each other, like any bird learns how to fly. Our love would be born from our strong will, because I believe it's possible to learn how to love someone. It's when you feel something inside you, something I can't really name nor explain, just feel...Something that tells you it could happen. It could happen and it'd bring you happiness, real happiness. Because in the end, we don't really need to love (or being loved by) someone perfect, someone so beautiful that would make every heads in a room turn. All we need is love and someone that loves you for what you are, inside; the outside is almost meaningless, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But I can be a little tendentious, because I don't ever judge people for the outside. The very first thing I notice in people is their personality, the way they talk and what their mouths say. Lately I've been paying attention also to what their eyes say, because they're the first to speak the truth.

And without wanting to offend you in any possible way, I say you don't hold that classical beauty (aesthetically speaking); but neither do I. However, on the inside you're pure, you're truly beautiful. And that's all that matters - at least to me.

Sleeping Beauty - Walt Disney
[that's how I pictured us that day]
~Andie Maars
updated 16.10.2012