Sunday Rant #2 Why?

Everything seems to be falling apart in my life lately (hence why I didn't follow trough with the promise of making #Sunday Rant a biweekly thing)... 

I'm having a hard time keeping up with my deadlines, my coworkers are a huge pain in the butt (and this is me being nice!), I have millions of things to do and I still have to squeeze my significant other into my already jammed schedule. The problem? Our schedules are complete opposites and the load of work doesn't seem like it will slow down anytime soon. 

Have I mention that my head has been trying to kill me lately too? And my headache medicine does not work as effectively as it used to which leaves me with the hard (super hard) task of trying to find something that works - and believe me, my headaches are very demanding with its medicines, the aspirin has long stopped working for me. 

So I ask why. Why me? Why does life has to me so messed up? And you know what else doesn't help the situation? My significant other seems to think it's my fault, that I don't try hard enough. I just don't know what else to do.

I'm tired, I need to sleep in for like a week to be remotely okay again and nobody seems to understand that.

Help?

Andie

More Than Yesterday

I feel terribly sorry to keep bugging you with all the love I feel for this particular person. With every post I say to myself  it will be the last, that there can't possibly exist any other way to describe the same feeling... And with every post that follows I prove myself wrong. 

But at the same time I'm not sorry. Why should I stop writing about what makes me happy? Isn't it what everybody keeps looking for, a reason to be happy? Well, this person is mine and I will write about it for as long as it does so, and most likely after too, because writing about something sad is surprisingly easy (especially if you don't expect anyone to read it). 

Anyways, my love for this person began in the moment I got to meet him, the real him and not the hard and uninterested exterior he would often display. And, just like John Green wrote, I fell in love the way one falls asleep: slowly, and then all at once. I fell hard, and it had never felt so wonderful. I believe I've said it before and I'm not ashamed to admit it again, it was the not knowing that brought me in. I was amazed by the simple fact that I had "known" that person for a whole year and as just now seeing the real him. 

Loving him was like being a kid in a candy shop. He made my blood sugar high, my heart beat faster. Every new thing I learned about him mesmerized me, and with every of those little things he let me in, and I stayed. And after all this time, my love for him is still like that first spring day after a cold winter: it makes me smile, makes me feel warm and it gives me hope. He still makes my heart beat faster, but now he also makes it beat slower because being in his arms makes all the stresses go away. I feel safe with him, in every sense.

I love him more today that I did yesterday. 

Although I, more often that not, like to call him mine, he belongs only to himself. And with all his freedom, he still comes back to me, day-by-day. I'm blessed, what else could I wish for?

~Andie Maars

Flying Forgiveness (Home is Where You Are)

I was dreading the very same moment I had been counting down to ever since you booked your flight.  For the first time, the future, the not knowing what was going to happen, terrified me; and I had never been so scared. The fear, the guilt, the sadness had been eating my insides in the previous days and I was reaching that stage where I could almost ignore it; almost.

But that day, during the entire trip to the airport, that’s when they stroke the most. My hands were shaking, my lungs felt constricted, and those fears were viciously eating whatever I still had left of a heart. Then, when the bus arrived to the destination and the doors opened for me to exit, I knew, I knew it at that very moment that if you didn’t find it in yourself to forgive me I’d drown; and this time, I wouldn’t be strong enough to fight the waves.

So I waited. I waited for your flight to land and for you to come out. I waited for my future, to know if I still had one with you.

When you showed up at last, the first thing you did was hold me in your arms and your warmth, the one I had been needing for so long, allowed me to put aside all my fears and just relish in the fact that you were there, finally. While I was in your arms there was no more fighting, no more arguing, no more struggling to go through another day alone, I felt safe. I was home. 

hanging by a thread | by ~AndieMaars | On DeviantART

~Andie Maars

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Hello dear readers

More deep thoughts, not so happy feelings and happy endings.
Although I'm already in peace with myself and everything turned out the way I wanted (but not deserved), I had to take this words out of my mind. Hope you liked it.

Lego Love

I’ve been asked thousand times since I found you, if it was love at first sign that brought us together. That mythical thing that happens it that fist millisecond our eyes really look into each other. And I find it hard to disappoint people because, in true honesty, love at first sign does not exist. Yes, attraction at first sign exists and that is really all that happens it that magical millisecond: the connection is made. After that it’s up to you if you want it to evolve into something more. 

And we did, we cradled that sparkle of something into our arms and built what we are today. It wasn’t easy, but when are the good things ever easy to obtain? What’s the fun in easy if you didn’t learn a thing or two in the way? Because as someone very wise once told me, it’s not about getting to the finish line but how we get there. 

Love is like stepping on a Lego brick, minus the excruciating pain I mean (although it could be quite painful sometimes). First you realise it’s there even if you could swear it wasn’t just the second before. Then you remember than if you connect that single little brick with others you could build something, something no one else built before. So, true to your thoughts, you pick it up and together with other pieces you build something. And every day you add another piece, completing that complex piece that, if everything goes right as you hope, will never be complete. 

You'll just keep adding brick after brick until the day you are out of them.

Make Love | by - laura242 | On DeviantART

(to be continued...)

~Andie Maars

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Hello dear readers :D

I'm sorry for the long absence. I just moved to another country where I'll live for a few more months before moving back home. Life is slowly falling back into routine and I have to say, it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. 

[ Disclaimer: I do NOT own this photo. All the credits go to its righfull owner. Check the link under it. ]

Selfless

I would say it wasn't because I didn't do it. I think it was more the rejection itself; the word no. And I understand your anger, I do. If it was the other way around, I know for a fact you wouldn't say no, not in a million years. But that's just how you are, you put everybody else before you without complaining; you are loyal, the most loyal person I've ever met. And that is one of the (if not the biggest) reasons I fell in love with you in the first place. 

I. Am. Sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not like you, I'm sorry if I tend to be selfish it the worst moments - the ones you need me not to be. I'm sorry you have faced some hard times lately. But you also need to understand how hard it is for me too. It's all new to me, wavering between your problems and my own hardships. And I know it won't get easier once I leave... My biggest fear? That I won't seen it coming, that you'll get better at hiding it just because I happen to be miles away. And it hurts, it hurts knowing you might be hiding stuff deep inside, just because of how selfless you are, when I need you to trust me. Your problems became my problems also when we decided to become "us" instead of just "me and you". Your pain is my pain, and your happiness will make me happy too. That's how it works, it's a mutual agreement, one you signed on the dotted line with a kiss and a mute request for me to be yours. 

So stop acting like you must suffer all the pains and sorrows of the world on your own. Because you have not. And if you let me carry half the burden, the journey will be so much easier... 

~Andie Maars

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Hello dear readers :D

Another kind of dark.. something. I feel my system will crush sometime soon if all this negativity doesn't go away soon. I'll try to stop by more often., hopefully with some happier contents.  

I hope you'll have an awesome 2014 :D 
(Hope you understand how I feel now my dear)

Not So Bright...

It's Christmas time! Normally that is a synonym of happiness and joy, of giving and receiving. Happy times. But not for you, not really. 

For you, Christmas is just a remainder that last year around this time your thoughts weren't that bright. In fact, they were so dark they led you to almost doing something dreadful, and I can only be grateful for whatever reason made you change your mind at the last second. 

But that is not what really scares me the most. Yes, you tried, and it frightens me to think whether you will attempt that again... What really scares me the most is that I was there - not physically, but there. I was there and didn't see that coming; I didn't notice your mind was clouded with such dark thoughts. And it makes me wonder if I was that absently or if you were just really good at hiding it. Honestly, I don't know which is worst.

I'd like to say I did better this year, better at spotting whenever you're mad or upset. Then again, to what extent do you let me see it? How much are you hiding?

I'll probably never fully understand you nor what led you to attempt that, but I swear I'll try my hardest to be there for you whenever you need me - even if you don't ask for help.

I just hope this year I've given you enough reasons to brighten up your mind... and make you stay.

It Feels Like Christmas | by - AndieMaars | On DeviantART

~Andie Maars

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Hello fellow readers :D

I know, it's kind of dark for such a jolly season, but I needed to get it out of my system or I'd go nuts. 

Happy Holidays and I hope you have an awesome 2014 :D 

Happy Right Now

I did not ask for you to be perfect, nor I want you to be; I love you as you are and I don't want you to change.

I did not ask for a fairy tale, and I know it won't always be sunshine and butterflies. We'll have good days, not so good days and maybe even bad ones. There will be days when you'll doubt yourself and other when it will be me having doubts. But do not ever doubt I love you.  

I also did not ask for a "Happy Ever After", I asked for a "Happy Right Now" because life it's too short and I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. You can say I deserve better and, honestly, I'm clueless about what life will bring, but I know that the best I know I have it in you. And, if you don't mind I stay, I'll stay, with you, in this something we have I like to call mine; ours.

I think you fail to see how important you are, how much it means to me to have you. And, putting aside all the fears and insecurities I also have, I'd rather have you focused on the "now" and let the "later" for another day.

I understand what goes on your mind, I understand the source of all the concerns, I really do. I understand how scary it can be to let something you can't control take over the reins, knowing that if it doesn't end like you wished and dreamed, or if it does end, you'll fall, it'll hurt, and it'll take a while for you to be back on your feet. And while a part of you wants to go with the flow and enjoy while it's good, the other wants you to stop right now - before the fall. I understand, I really do. But the journey it's different when you're not alone, and you have me.

Let me walk with you, side by side. Let me make mistakes with you and learn, with you also, to turn the wrong right and right what when awry. Because while you're by my side, I have my "Happy Right Now" and tomorrow... tomorrow can wait.

To Infinity... | by - AndieMaars | On DeviantART

~Andie Maars

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Hello fellow readers :D

I'm sorry for the long absence, sometimes life just gets in the way... but I'll try to stop by more often.

So, what do you think? Is it any good? Let me know please :)

As usually, you can find that photo on my DeviantArt page, feel free to stop by and say Hi!

Wednesdays

I know what you've been trough; I've been there before. And I know how much it hurts; I've felt that too. But giving up it's not an options darling - It never was, it will never be. The tears you shed yesterday will be tomorrow memories, if you aloud them to. But if you dwell on then like you've been doing lately, instead of just memories tomorrow they'll still be the painful thoughts you cried until dawn. Trust me when I say that is the last thing you want; never cry the same pains twice, it will only give them power to keep hurting you. Instead let the tears wash those unwanted feeling for you, take them out of your mind while the drops slide slowly down your face...

I used to like Wednesday...Not until 4 weeks ago it probably was my third favorite day of the week. Yes, it was a Wednesday when my heart broke for the first time, but I had already got over it long ago. I had already forgiven that Wednesday.

And it was a Wednesday when I found out how broken you are darling... Don't let those scars define you. Don't let the tears overrule your nights. But the most important might be not letting him define your happiness; because you deserve that beautiful smile that once filled your face always.

Show the world, show him, how strong you are darling. Turn the pains into strength, the tears into smiles and use this experience to prevent future ones. Never take anything for granted darling and never hand out your heart to the first guy that says nice things. I'm not saying not to love too fast - love the fastest you want dear, it's good for the heart to be swelled with love -, just keep something to yourself until you're certain you're getting something equally satisfactory in return. 

Don't measure amounts of love. Measure its depth. And you'll be fine, eventually.

I hate Wednesdays! But I love you...

~Andie Fern Maars

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Not sure if is a W.I.P or not, but it definitely needs a few retouches when I find the time to do so.  Updated 12.03.2013

B♥

F♥

You

You were my bright light at the end of a dark tunnel I had been walking through for a long time; too long. You brought a smile to a face that never really had a real worthy reason to smile since...I don't even know when! And for all that, Thank you.

"Good things come to those who wait"

I had heard that sentence being said millions of times and not once before I had found it fair, hadn’t I already waited for so long, getting nothing but pain and sorrows. It seemed that only others could be happy, only others had good reasons to smile and something to expect...and I would just stand there feeling lost, like I didn't actually belong although I was a part of it. You changed that, too.

Every day I learn something new with you, and every day you bring new feelings to my heart, and although I welcome those feelings, I can't help to feel somehow scared because I can't fully understand most of it. And when you look at me, I feel...loved. And that seems unrealistic because I don't believe being worthy of that; I can't find anything in me that could possibly make you want to stay. You can call it stupidity, I call it insecurity. The insecurities of someone who never felt loved back. 

Sometimes things happen too fast and I need to take a step back and a deep breath so I won't freak out. But fear nothing and don't think for a second that I regret having you. No matter how scared I might sometimes look, or what happens in the future, I know for sure you are and will always be something important to me; and I'll never regret that, you.

I'm sorry. I feel the need to apologize for all the words I can't say and should. It's something the heart feels but the mouth can't say...But I'll get there, eventually; make it a promise, I swear it will come the day when I’ll be finally able to let you know all you mean to me. For the time being know I feel the exact same, if not stronger. I hope that's enough, for you, for now.

Extremely happy to have you and tremendously thankful for the day you walked in; terribly terrified with the possibility you might someday walk away...because, honestly, I can't imagine life without you (no matter how cheesy that may sound).

Light | by ~AndieMaars | original On DeviantART

~Andie Fern Maars

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Even if sometimes understand you is harder than understanding "Lusíadas", hope you know now.

[Updated 25.11.2012 - I think I'm happy with it now, but any suggestion is welcomed]

Picture it

Today I saw it happening. 

For a second I could see it in my mind, and you know what? It felt good, it felt right; as natural as breathing. In the moment I leaned my head on your shoulder, or when your hand held my back so I wouldn't fall with the sudden braking of the subway...in those moments I could picture us together. And it'd work out, almost perfectly. Even if I don't love you (can I dare to say yet?), even if there're things in you I can't stand, like how you defend, tooth and nail, that club of yours I despise and hate (as you know so well) or how sometimes your moods change so quickly I can hardly keep pace with... 

But still, it'd work out. We'd grow to love each other, together; we'd learn how to love each other, like any bird learns how to fly. Our love would be born from our strong will, because I believe it's possible to learn how to love someone. It's when you feel something inside you, something I can't really name nor explain, just feel...Something that tells you it could happen. It could happen and it'd bring you happiness, real happiness. Because in the end, we don't really need to love (or being loved by) someone perfect, someone so beautiful that would make every heads in a room turn. All we need is love and someone that loves you for what you are, inside; the outside is almost meaningless, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But I can be a little tendentious, because I don't ever judge people for the outside. The very first thing I notice in people is their personality, the way they talk and what their mouths say. Lately I've been paying attention also to what their eyes say, because they're the first to speak the truth.

And without wanting to offend you in any possible way, I say you don't hold that classical beauty (aesthetically speaking); but neither do I. However, on the inside you're pure, you're truly beautiful. And that's all that matters - at least to me.

Sleeping Beauty - Walt Disney

[that's how I pictured us that day]

~Andie Maars
updated 16.10.2012

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