Lately I've been thinking that something is missing. Something I can't even recall however still can't help but miss... Something I really never had as mine, is it even possible? Like there's a huge hole inside me and I've no idea how to heal it again. I've been using other things to fill it up, so it won't hurt...but that's just a short cut I know it won't bring me to the end, it will keep me going around and around without going anywhere, just so the time will pass; because "time cures everything"- they say.
"Time cures everything"- they say. And what do I thing about that? I think that's the biggest lie I've ever heard. Because time doesn't really cure anything, we cure ourselves, or someone else does; and Time, is not any of those.
Not really long ago I wrote about how much I'm sorry about somethings that happened...But right here and now I don't really regret that much, the way things ended up to be. Because I don't believe that "everything is meant to be", otherwise I believe things happen because someone make or let them happen. And I don't regret that person, at all. How could I? It brought me so many memories... Memories I now treasure, knowing I'll soon forget; because that's how life is: it let us create memories we want to remember forever, but makes us forget them so we won't get hurt because they're just that, just memories.
And why are they "just" memories? Because we try, try, try...Until one of us stops trying; then we forget. I don't regret it, I won't regret it. Yes, things got to a point of most surely no return, and that can be somehow sad. But today, now, I can move on because I know it wasn't me who stop trying.
Once upon a time, there was a little boy who wished for a better life. One day he saw an old lady smiling and she asked him why he was so sad. Then the little boy told his story, he told her everything including his precious wish.
“I’m going to tell you a secret” said the old lady.
And then she began.
“In the old days, there was a young boy who was sad and very ill but even so he, just like you, had a wish. One he went climbing that mountain” and she pointed to the mountain behind the village “to the very top and tried to make a wish in a full moon night under a sky full of stars. He wished to live a long life. In the next day he was completely cured and he lived a long happy life. Since that time every one who had a wish climbed up that mountain and maid a wish to the moon and stars just like that boy but they only came true under that conditions.”
Then the little boy waited every night for a sky full of stars where the full moon awakes. And one day it happened. The little boy climbed up the mountain barefoot.
When he reached the top he made his wish, to have a family. After that he went down the mountain and he noticed that the all village was looking for him. And then a married couple saw him and decided to make him his son. And the little boy lived happily ever after.
What do I hate the most? Hypocrisy. People that say something and act the other way around. People that pretend to care when actually they don't give a damn... In sum, I hate the fake ones more than anything. And lately, I came to find a lot of hypocritical people around me, people to whom I would never think calling hypocrite. Well, guess looks can be deceiving, very deceiving.
And that's sad, because, for a long time, I used to hide my truth self and all of them taught me the confidence and trust I needed to show the world who I really am; with no more hiding. I changed with them, because they encouraged me to do so, for my own sake. Were they being hypocritical all this time?
I feel...I feel like I can't trust them anymore, because all the words that came trough their mouths sounds fake to me now; because I'm not sure if I actually know them anymore. My dear friends...you ruined it all! You all changed, a lot and too fast for me to keep up with the pace. I don't blame you for that, instead I blame you for excluding me of that sudden change of yours. I know I'm changing too, but you can't accuse me of not sharing that with you all, because I'm trying, I'm trying really hard...but you don't let me. So now I can only count on the new people I have in my life. Because recently I've found out that there are still people I can trust, that I know that won't let me down (as you did).
And I feel I achieved so much, that I conquered so much in so little time... Sure that are still...things that remain undone. And you know what? Now is me who don't give a damn about that; they'll happen when they have to. But this time, you won't be there to witness my happiness.
A boy ran away, so far away that nobody ever found him. Many police officers and fireman tried to look for him, but as the days passed by no clue was found about the location and the government officers started to feel tired so tired that they gave up.
Then the second rescue team arrived. Many civilians helped the little kid parents. Days went past, then months, years and the hope also started to fade. In the first day the all neighborhood showed up. They were divided and were given directions, and for an all week everyone showed up, even for an all month, but as time went by the number was reducing gradually. In the end the search team lasted five years and not a clue was found, neither the corpse of a ten year old boy. Four years later the father’s boy fell off a cliff and died in his way to the hospital. A year later, a disease was diagnosed to his mother and she was immediately admitted into the hospital, but it was already too late. The news spread fast, in the newspaper there was a front page article talking about the missing boy and the misfortune of that family also their picture was posted. On that day, a young man brought that journal and like so many others it ended up in the coffee table. A few days later a bunch of flowers were sent to the hospital room, there was a little card with only a phrase “thanks for looking for me”, on that same day while reading it the mother died.
I remember you were just standing
there, staring to the horizon. As if life around you wasn’t important enough
for you to dare and look at it. I didn’t know you; we’re completely strangers.
And until that day I had never seen you before but, when your eyes met mines…
What really happened doesn’t really
matter, what matters is that you said ‘hi’ and my life was never the same
again. I didn’t know you, but in that instant it seemed like you had always
been there, standing by me. And in a blink of an eye you became the most
important part of my life.
Until the day life itself decided to
tear us apart. Forever.
So say that you’ll miss me. Say you
will miss me if I leave tomorrow to never return again. Tell me that things
won’t be the same without me; beg me to stay. Just give me a good reason why I
shouldn’t go, why I should ignore the normal flow of life and stay instead. I
won’t be mad if you don’t. I mean, I won’t hate you just because all you did
was remain silent like dead...
I’ll be sad, of course; I tough I was somehow
important… But, hey, not always life gives us what we want (most of the time it
takes). Anyway, after all, you don’t really have to say you’ll miss me because
I’ll be fine, eventually.
And slowly things will turn back to normality; again.
I just won’t be there and you won’t be here. Physically apart, but together in
And life will go on until one day we won’t even
be together in our hearts; completely strangers like we were, in the day I met
[I found this text I wrote a couple months ago forgotten in a drawer and I decided to give it a chance to appear in the blog. Let me know what you think]
What I don’t know about life could fill an entire encyclopedia. What I know would, maybe, fill an A4 notebook... possibly a bit until after the middle pages. But of one thing I'm sure. And I repeat it to myself every day, hoping that it never ceases to be a certainty: I may not know what I want from the world, but I’m sure about what I don’t want.
I know I don’t want you back because I don’t want to love again. I’m not asking you to go away, because remembering you hurts, but feels good. I just don’t want to live anymore that lie that consumed my days, that made all those moments seemed real and not merely a product of my naïveté, I don’t want to believe in what you say because you never gave me assurances that you really feel what you said you feel ... You never apologized sincerely, you never cried in pain for not being able to see me or because I didn’t wanted to see you. You didn’t get hurt, you didn’t suffered like I did. But the marks you left in me hurt so, so much ... I still remember that day like a nightmare from which I can’t wake up because it doesn’t only fills my dreams but all my life, my reality was created by you when you said those words ... It’s hard to believe that they came from your mouth… It’s hard to believe that you didn’t saw that you’re losing me while you kept me away and made me leave. You changed, gradually, becoming a stranger; you have become something I despise and hate. I’m confused ... I no longer distinguish love from hate. Is it feasible to feel both for the same person? You make that possible.
I love you when I remember you, when I remember what we lived together. I hate you when I remember that none of it was real. If I see you, I wouldn’t know what to say. I love you, but you broke me up inside; I know I always loved you too much - more than you ever deserved. And because you hurt me, more than I could bear, I’ll hate you even more if it means I can forget you.
You know what was my big problem? I believed you were different, I believed that you were better, better kisser, better hugger… In the midst of all that, I even believed that you loved me. But if you knew how much I cry for you every night before fall asleep, and then I end up suffering even more when you appear in my dreams, again and again...
Which leads me to conclude that you never felt the pain of the uncertainty of a maybe. You don’t know because you live in the certainty of a yes. You know I would, I would return to you without blinking. But you let me live in anxiety, forever waiting ... Awaiting you to wish, waiting for you to come back, waiting for you to say, and waiting for you to do.
Another thing I know is I can’t stand it, not anymore. Don’t want to suffer the disappointment of waking up one day and notice that life has passed, right by my side and didn’t lived because I kept waiting. If that day comes I'll regret having let this drag on for so long, I'll regret not having learned to draw a final dot on this thing - I can't even call it history -, when I should have done. I will regret all that lost time I can’t get back.
But I am sure of one thing: you'll regret it more than me. Because you'll also wake up one day and noticed that the life also passed by you; that I'm no longer there. And it will hurt when you think about me and feel the heart beat faster, when you open your eyes and see that I am no longer there. Then you will remember that I was the only one that loved you, the only one that that really cared for you. You will remember that I loved, I waited and I suffered all because I kept hoping that one day you’d see it; only that it was too late. When you noticed it, everything will have changed and you lost my trail; there you’re going to cry and finally realize that strange warning that you used to see in my eyes; you'll understand why when you asked if everything was OK, I had to take a deep breath before smiling and saying “of course everything is fine; why wouldn’t it be?”.
When you realize that you had in your hands, on your skin, in your life and the only woman that loved you and that you weren’t able to keeping it near yourself, you'll cry; and for the first time, I won’t be there. I'll never be there again...
~A. Maars ♥
This is a too much personal post, and probably shouldn't be here because it makes me look something I'm not. You should know I was, unfortunately, heart broken when I wrote this, therefore there's too much anger as sadness in my words; so you won't misjudge me.
"I braved a hundred storms to leave you" ~ From the song 'Turning Tables' by Adele
"I hold on to myself, not wanting anyone to grab "us " and keep myself with me and with me, now, dreaming the same way I dreamed before you." ~by Liliana (Updated 08.12.2011)
When did life passed so quickly? Everything was stable yesterday and today it took a 360 degrees lap and I can't find my way back to the way things were before. Mostly everybody I know is slowly going away, and now I have new people surrounding me; people I don't know well yet - strangers after all.
It's tiring have to start everything for the zero mark. Making new friends, trying not to let go of the old ones that escape trough my fingers day by day... Some people say it's how life is, you can't keep everybody you know (and care about) close to you forever; no matter how hard you'd wish for that.
But we can't sit down and cry, thinking 'what if...?'. No more 'what if..' this, 'what if...' that. Things are the way they are now, and there isn't really much I can do to change them, not anymore. All I can do is spend a little more time travelling by bus or metro, making calls, texting and organizing meetings and evenings out, so at least a few things remain more or less unchanged.
But in the end, if they're really true friends, somehow we'll get to keep them in our lives; because the true ones, are the ones that stay.
[dedicated to my true friends: hope you stay with me forever]
One day a person came and talked to me, I didn’t know who it was or what we were going to talk about, and yet I said ok. We talked for a while and felt a connection between us. The next day, another person came and did the same thing and whit ought a doubt we became friends instantly just like what happened the day before.
The days went past and the three of us meet more and more people and made more friendships, just like the kids we were. Then it passed a year, two, three and four until the day that one of them chooses to move. I was sad because I wasn’t told about that decision and for a while I ignored her, yet the same connection that made us became friends in the beginning didn’t let me abandon her even if we didn’t saw as often as before.
Another year past by and my other friend and I choose different directions and we also moved to achieve our dreams. Well right now the three of us are best friends for so many years, even if we are apart, the two of them live close to each other and I am a little far away. Even if we all talk to each other we don’t see as often as we used too and to tell the trued that affects me somehow because we are so close and yet so far away.
I felt the weight of the eyelids on my eyes and I fell asleep again.
And he comes back before my eyes, his hand still extended in front of me, the same mute invitation waiting for me. This time I don’t wait, I don’t hesitate, don’t linger to travel the short distance that separates us and grab his hand, arm, grab it all in my embrace and whisper in his ear that I love him and will never leave him, never again. I kiss every surface of his bare skin I can reach, trying to retain as much of him in me. Because, even if he can't go back, this way I can take some of him with me, that it will be forever etched in my mind. And in the midst of this frenzy, I notice that I don’t understand this love that unites us and consumes us, which revolves us and then return us back finally to each other's arms to later break the embrace once more. As a vicious cycle that never stops and kills me slowly. But soon I sweep this idea off my mind when I realize that he’s finally with me, really there with me. That there, in that dream, he is no longer a lifeless body lying asleep in a hospital bed; it’s Life, it’s my life that returns to me. And at that moment I feel more alive than ever, filled with energy that springs from my every pore; maybe this might be what they call complete happiness. Again I look into his eyes, those big green eyes that always smile, trying to retain them in detail in my memory. I notice that during all that time I kept uttering the same words over and over. "I love you." Also noticed that he still said nothing. He merely looked at me with a smile on the lips and on the eyes - those big green eyes that always smile. And I look at him for what seems an eternity, and still not get tired of looking; I will never get tired of looking at him. Finally, he takes a deep breath and whispers something to me: "I remember you".
~Andie Fern Maars
Hey people! (if there's anyone)Here's another piece of that story of mine. I prefer this one over the other two I already posted*, but it was too detailed to cut short and also too big for a poem. Enjoy and let me know what you think. (:
[And it's totally and completely fictional, nothing related to me nor my life, so you know.]
Again, this - I think you can call it poem - is from that little story I'm writing. Originally is a text written in prose but I adapted this part also because I also though it was kind of poetical :D Let me know what you think, please.
Lately I've been feeling...grateful. Grateful for everything I have, for every friend I've made and got, this far... Grateful for being alive in this ungrateful life that keeps trying to take us down.
Lately I've been thinking that every pain I felt had a reason to be (No, I haven't started believing in that crap that says that "Everything happens for a reason", it's something different). What I know it that I no longer blame myself nor regret it for having happened; instead I started learning from it. And when I though that diving in the past would hurt me even more, I realize it's not completely true; yes it hurts a little but the joy that comes from the new knowledge is overwhelming.
Something didn't worked out? So what?! That is not going to stop me from being who I am or who I wanna be. I'm not going to sit and cry because it didn't work out. I'm going to stand up because it didn't work and so now I can move on to another adventure; because that's what life is, right?
And right now, after all the mess is over, I find myself blooming into a new improved version of me.
by ~Andie Maars
You can find this picture of mine on my DeviantART page [link]
[to be continued. maybe, or maybe not.]
By the way, could you please, please, visit my DeviantART page[link] and support my pictures? Thanks ^.^
A girl woke up and like every other day she eat her breakfast, and then she thought about what to do, but since not even one little idea came to her mind she started playing computer. She spent an hour or something like that in the computer, hearing the bell of her door ringing. But since that girl wasn’t authorized to open the door she decided to ignore it.
Then she continued in the computer listening music until she heard a loud bang coming from the hall. At that time, she stopped with the games and took her headphones out. She walked silently through her house until she reached the hall that was when she saw two guys trying to break in her apartment. She only had a little time to see them and memorize what she could because a second later they also notice her and started running and escaped.
At that moment she picked up her phone and tried to call 911, it rang two times and they hanged up on her, maybe they thought it was a prank call, so tried to close her front door with her keys but for more turns that she gave the door wasn’t closing that was when she noticed that they broke the door lock. Then she went to her cellphone and to wake up her little brother that up until that moment hadn’t notice a thing, but only when she said to him that somebody tried to rob them was when her brother jumped out of the bed.
She tried one more time to call the 911 and this time they picked up and recordedthe complaint. Meanwhile her brother calls their mother that for a second thought it was a prank too, but then she understood what was really happening, while after her complain the girl call their father and explained the situation. Their parents rushed home and found out that their neighbors had been keeping company to their children. An hour later the police appears and wrote the testimony of the girl even if she had nothing much to say because she only saw the general characteristics of the two guys. After that the police took over the case or so hoped the girl and her family.