raw, unfiltered truth.

The last few months have been a roller coaster of emotions I've had a hard time dealing with. Here's why.

Try as I may, there is no way around the fact that I felt out of love with the person I was once committed to love for a lifetime (yes, the same that promised not to break my heart and ended up doing just that).

I wish I could say it was just because of one big thing, that there was one set reason why - like getting your heart broken. But that is not the truth. It is never that simple.

The truth lies somewhere between all the little things we spend half the time ignoring, and the other half worshipping. Things that on their own are petty and meaningless, but together have the power to break the deepest and strongest of bonds.

Our bond hadn't been strong for a long time. And, in Ed Sheeran's fashion, crumbled like pastries.

The truth lies somewhere in the fact that we grew apart for too long to still know how to do so together. Like two lines that were forced to run parallel to each other and now can never cross paths again.

I don't know what the real truth is anymore...

So I walk alone once more. But then again, there is this little voice inside me whispering that, perhaps, I've been doing just that for a while.

andie.

Just...love

I've lost count on how many times I've talked about Love in my texts. Too many? Not enough? 

The funny thing is, while growing up it never mattered much. Sure, I grew up watching all those Disney films filled with numerous Princes Charming, Happy Ever Afters and unrealistic expectations... but even in my 5 year old mind I knew those were just films, not necessarily the way things had to be. I always knew the difference between fantasy and reality (trying to make my mother understand that, was a totally different story), so maybe that's why I never dreamt about finding my prince Charming - no, I only wanted the castle that seemed to come with every Happy Ever After (still do).

And although I have two very loving parents and had an overall happy childhood, they weren't, and still aren't, very "verbally" loving. Sure, I had hugs and kisses pretty much on demand, but the word love wasn't very common. That doesn't mean I didn't know just how much I was loved, that was never up to debate. Through my "experience" with familiar love and a short term with romantic love, I'd like to think I've learned a lot of things about it. 

While I'm far (really really far) from being an expert, if there is one thing I'm sure about is that love is not exclusive. If anything, love is inclusive. That it's possible to love two different people just as much but in different ways, different types of love. That there are a million of forms of love and of loving someone.  I've learned that all love needs is a bond between people, any kind of bond, and it can grow so much from just that. I've confirmed the almost universal truth that the first love really does cut the deepest. 

But the hardest part of Love is not letting go. Letting go becomes easy the moment reality finally sinks in. The hard part is letting someone new in after the fall. It's re-learning to trust the broken heart you just fixed (or not) into the hands of someone else. It's knowing you'll never fall just as hard, just as fast as the first time, because now you know best. It's fearing you are holding back too much because you've felt the consequences of not holding back at all. It's knowing it can crumble and fall just as fast as it was built.

The hardest part is not having to let go, it's knowing you can.

Andie

spin me around , make me dizzy

More Than Yesterday

I feel terribly sorry to keep bugging you with all the love I feel for this particular person. With every post I say to myself  it will be the last, that there can't possibly exist any other way to describe the same feeling... And with every post that follows I prove myself wrong. 

But at the same time I'm not sorry. Why should I stop writing about what makes me happy? Isn't it what everybody keeps looking for, a reason to be happy? Well, this person is mine and I will write about it for as long as it does so, and most likely after too, because writing about something sad is surprisingly easy (especially if you don't expect anyone to read it). 

Anyways, my love for this person began in the moment I got to meet him, the real him and not the hard and uninterested exterior he would often display. And, just like John Green wrote, I fell in love the way one falls asleep: slowly, and then all at once. I fell hard, and it had never felt so wonderful. I believe I've said it before and I'm not ashamed to admit it again, it was the not knowing that brought me in. I was amazed by the simple fact that I had "known" that person for a whole year and as just now seeing the real him. 

Loving him was like being a kid in a candy shop. He made my blood sugar high, my heart beat faster. Every new thing I learned about him mesmerized me, and with every of those little things he let me in, and I stayed. And after all this time, my love for him is still like that first spring day after a cold winter: it makes me smile, makes me feel warm and it gives me hope. He still makes my heart beat faster, but now he also makes it beat slower because being in his arms makes all the stresses go away. I feel safe with him, in every sense.

I love him more today that I did yesterday. 

Although I, more often that not, like to call him mine, he belongs only to himself. And with all his freedom, he still comes back to me, day-by-day. I'm blessed, what else could I wish for?

~Andie Maars

Lego Love

I’ve been asked thousand times since I found you, if it was love at first sign that brought us together. That mythical thing that happens it that fist millisecond our eyes really look into each other. And I find it hard to disappoint people because, in true honesty, love at first sign does not exist. Yes, attraction at first sign exists and that is really all that happens it that magical millisecond: the connection is made. After that it’s up to you if you want it to evolve into something more. 

And we did, we cradled that sparkle of something into our arms and built what we are today. It wasn’t easy, but when are the good things ever easy to obtain? What’s the fun in easy if you didn’t learn a thing or two in the way? Because as someone very wise once told me, it’s not about getting to the finish line but how we get there. 

Love is like stepping on a Lego brick, minus the excruciating pain I mean (although it could be quite painful sometimes). First you realise it’s there even if you could swear it wasn’t just the second before. Then you remember than if you connect that single little brick with others you could build something, something no one else built before. So, true to your thoughts, you pick it up and together with other pieces you build something. And every day you add another piece, completing that complex piece that, if everything goes right as you hope, will never be complete. 

You'll just keep adding brick after brick until the day you are out of them.

Make Love | by - laura242 | On DeviantART

(to be continued...)

~Andie Maars

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Hello dear readers :D

I'm sorry for the long absence. I just moved to another country where I'll live for a few more months before moving back home. Life is slowly falling back into routine and I have to say, it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. 

[ Disclaimer: I do NOT own this photo. All the credits go to its righfull owner. Check the link under it. ]

Selfless

I would say it wasn't because I didn't do it. I think it was more the rejection itself; the word no. And I understand your anger, I do. If it was the other way around, I know for a fact you wouldn't say no, not in a million years. But that's just how you are, you put everybody else before you without complaining; you are loyal, the most loyal person I've ever met. And that is one of the (if not the biggest) reasons I fell in love with you in the first place. 

I. Am. Sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not like you, I'm sorry if I tend to be selfish it the worst moments - the ones you need me not to be. I'm sorry you have faced some hard times lately. But you also need to understand how hard it is for me too. It's all new to me, wavering between your problems and my own hardships. And I know it won't get easier once I leave... My biggest fear? That I won't seen it coming, that you'll get better at hiding it just because I happen to be miles away. And it hurts, it hurts knowing you might be hiding stuff deep inside, just because of how selfless you are, when I need you to trust me. Your problems became my problems also when we decided to become "us" instead of just "me and you". Your pain is my pain, and your happiness will make me happy too. That's how it works, it's a mutual agreement, one you signed on the dotted line with a kiss and a mute request for me to be yours. 

So stop acting like you must suffer all the pains and sorrows of the world on your own. Because you have not. And if you let me carry half the burden, the journey will be so much easier... 

~Andie Maars

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Hello dear readers :D

Another kind of dark.. something. I feel my system will crush sometime soon if all this negativity doesn't go away soon. I'll try to stop by more often., hopefully with some happier contents.  

I hope you'll have an awesome 2014 :D 
(Hope you understand how I feel now my dear)

Happy Right Now

I did not ask for you to be perfect, nor I want you to be; I love you as you are and I don't want you to change.

I did not ask for a fairy tale, and I know it won't always be sunshine and butterflies. We'll have good days, not so good days and maybe even bad ones. There will be days when you'll doubt yourself and other when it will be me having doubts. But do not ever doubt I love you.  

I also did not ask for a "Happy Ever After", I asked for a "Happy Right Now" because life it's too short and I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. You can say I deserve better and, honestly, I'm clueless about what life will bring, but I know that the best I know I have it in you. And, if you don't mind I stay, I'll stay, with you, in this something we have I like to call mine; ours.

I think you fail to see how important you are, how much it means to me to have you. And, putting aside all the fears and insecurities I also have, I'd rather have you focused on the "now" and let the "later" for another day.

I understand what goes on your mind, I understand the source of all the concerns, I really do. I understand how scary it can be to let something you can't control take over the reins, knowing that if it doesn't end like you wished and dreamed, or if it does end, you'll fall, it'll hurt, and it'll take a while for you to be back on your feet. And while a part of you wants to go with the flow and enjoy while it's good, the other wants you to stop right now - before the fall. I understand, I really do. But the journey it's different when you're not alone, and you have me.

Let me walk with you, side by side. Let me make mistakes with you and learn, with you also, to turn the wrong right and right what when awry. Because while you're by my side, I have my "Happy Right Now" and tomorrow... tomorrow can wait.

To Infinity... | by - AndieMaars | On DeviantART

~Andie Maars

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Hello fellow readers :D

I'm sorry for the long absence, sometimes life just gets in the way... but I'll try to stop by more often.

So, what do you think? Is it any good? Let me know please :)

As usually, you can find that photo on my DeviantArt page, feel free to stop by and say Hi!

Love

Love

Don't measure amounts of Love

Measure its depth

Count the brightness of sparkles in the eyes

And those little shared smiles,

The things done

Without expecting something in return

And the way his fingers

Fit perfectly between yours when you least expecting

Count the compliments

And its contents

And remember a little cheesy feels good now and then

Don’t take things for granted

Love deeply,

Love purely,

Love with all you have

Just don’t let your heart get owned

By someone that simply doesn't care

~Andie Maars

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I was feeling a little cheesy and voilà  :D