Saturday, July 14, 2012

Restart

I realized my posts were slowly stepping down trough what I like to call the "Depressed Line", and were getting dangerously closer to the bottom. And that fact scared me. Because that it's a place I thought I'd never return to and, unknowingly, I was already there again. 

Sometimes I don't understand myself. I really don't. Yes, some depressing stuff happened; but I lived. I lived, I got over it and rediscovered my smile; and new reasons to smile too. I found new people that actually deserved my attention, my affection , my dedication... and I got over it, I did. But sometimes it all comes back for no reason; like the memory needed to me remembered the same way a dog needs to be petted. It's seems that there's some kind of trigger that starts it, I just haven't figure it out yet. It could be anything, a song, a picture, a place...All I know is that, when I notice it, there's already a new slightly depressive text on the blog. It could be compared to post traumatic stress disorder, only in a less, less severe way. 

But that ends today, right now. No more depressed stuff. No more references to whatever happened in the past. If tears have to be shed, then let it be for laughing too much to the point I can't stand on my feet and my belly hurts. If tears have to be shed, then let it be for something I can control; like bumping my elbow on something (because that hurts, a lot). And if tears have to be shed, then let it happen only when there's nothing else I can do to prevent it.

I took a lot of thinking into this. I gave my self a  last opportunity to revive all the bad moments, to see if I could find the moment when I made everything go wrong. And honestly, I can't find it; because given the circumstances, I did nothing wrong. And that is it, the end. My head is clear, and I regret nothing. 

Maybe it will take some more time to heal. Maybe things won't get back to the way they were before that fast; or maybe they just simply won't get back to how they were. But you know what?! It doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matter is that everything will, eventually, get better. 

Today, I finally forgive myself.

Do Not Low Your Head, Ever | by ~AndieMaars | Exclusively on blogger


~Andie