Monday, August 1, 2016

Monday Blues # 1 Hints and Consequences

I'm starting a new "thing" and I shall call it Monday Blues, and they're going to be a series of posts (posted whenever I feel like it, like every other post really) where, much like in the Sunday Rant ones, I'll be doing what I've been told I do apparently quite often - Complaining. But while on Sunday Rants I basically rant about things in general that I don't like, I'm using the Monday Blues to complain about myself and things I know I do/did wrong (mostly in retrospective, of course). It'll be like a personal analysis on my life choices that may turn useful in the future... who knows?

On this first edition I'd like to address my inability to take hints and to understand that, sometimes, even actions that needed to be taken have irreparable consequences.

There is really no excuse in regards of the first topic. No matter how good of an observant I can be for some things, there are simply other areas where I'm just going in completely blind. And that field would have to be the one where deep emotions are dealt with. And my inability to take hints comes hand in hand with those irreparable consequences I can't seem to predict.

I think it has to do with the fact that I spent most of my life, while growing up, bottling it all up, hiding, keeping it inside, because no one around me seemed to care long enough to hear it all. And that just made me kind of...closed off and slowed down my ability to connect and stay connected - and to completely trust anyone on that any level. But it also means that once you have my trust, and/or my care, I'm all in. That, while it can bring many great things, it also means when it goes wrong and that trust is broken, I'm the one that takes it the harder way; I'm the one that stays broken the longest.

At different points in my life, I've made the decision of cutting people off. I can't really remember all the reasons why (not that it happened that many times, really) and I know some were decisions made almost unconsciously - I just stopped trying to keep a connection and they never tried connecting back. It was a necessary decision then, I needed that space to think, to breath, to heal, to see the world in a different light. Or maybe I just didn't want those levels of toxicity around me.  But I don't think I've ever intended for any of those decisions to be permanent. No, in my wild and perhaps na├»ve imagination, I though I could press pause for a while and then restart again when I felt ready; when things felt...better. But Life doesn't come with a remote control. I was perfectly aware that some things would be lost, but never that I'd lose it all.

Looking back now, I feel sort of guilty. Seeing the hardships some people had to face, and feeling that maybe, just maybe, there was something I could have done or said to make it better had I been there.

But if there is one thing I've learned is that the past shall remain just that - past. Nothing good can ever come of trying to bring it back.

Today I shall make a vow to hold less things inside, and we shall see how that one goes. 

No Regrets.
Andie