Saturday, November 12, 2016

All Out [part 2]

As the year mark gets closer, it dawns on me that one whole year has in fact just gone by. Where did time go? It feels like everything just flew by me too fast and simultaneously not fast enough. I still feel the same way I did back then, and I'm still unsure why. I moved on - or so I thought -, just to fall back into the same hole I believed being finally free from.

But it's with no shame whatsoever I admit that, even after all this time, he is still my favourite thing to write about (directly or indirectly, however hard I try to fight it). There are countless words and ideas swirling in my head at all times and, when it's not work related stuff, it's about him. And I've fought so, so hard against then... But there are things that just don't change.

I'm trapped between the need to move on and the reluctance to do so.

[Disclaimer: I was positively way past "just tipsy" when I begun writing this, so I had to stop myself here and sleep it over, or this would have gotten really depressing real fast]

So, in my recent trip to Ghent I left some of my ghosts by the river, in-between autumn coloured trees and large cups of tea. I boarded that plane with a heavy soul and a desperate need to get away from reality, even if just for a week. I return somewhat lighter, with less weight on my shoulders, and an overwhelming desire to embrace the world, to embrace Life, exactly as it is.

I will admit I had thought that, by now, the emptiness would be gone... And in some ways it is. But I find that void sometimes filled with such negative ideas that make me wonder if it wouldn't be better to just keep that space empty. I still feel just as alone as I did, it still hurts just as much. But I know now that there will always be some kind of void left behind; that nothing will ever be capable of completely fill that. There will be other things to balance the scale, there will be other unfillable voids.

New things are scary. And I've come to realise that there are some things, besides unfillable voids, I didn't know I was afraid of.

I didn't know I had trust issues (and to some extent I don't). But the mere idea of trusting someone, of depending on someone, on any other level beyond friendship makes me shut down and run for the hills. Maybe it's because I've tried trusting and it didn't worked out, maybe is one of those unfading voids, maybe I'm just still broken. How in any other way would I still look in the mirror and not like what is staring back? I became dependent on what others saw in me and stopped caring about what I saw in myself.

But I'm getting better at fighting my ghosts in this "self love" thing; I'm ready to accept that not everything will go as planned or as dreamt. And that big what if is a dream I'm finally ready to wake up from.

fly away
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[I don't usually recommend musics for my posts, but I had Sermon by James Arthur on repeat while writing this]

This is my Pity Party weekend. Today would have been the first day of our 4th year anniversary weekend, because we couldn't agree about in which day it had actually started - the 12th or the 13th. I'd like to believe that, in a perfect world,  right now we'd be somewhere getting lost. 

I've learned that we can wish all the happiness in the world to someone, but that doesn't mean it will happen. So I just hope that, wherever he is, that he is okay.