Thursday, October 12, 2017

Mixed Feelings

I've been having mixed feelings...about my own feelings. 

There is no easy way to explain it. I don't think even I myself fully understand what's going on with me. It's like everything inside keeps building up for...something, only to falter and crash, burning all in its way down. My brain can't seem to commit to an emotion for long enough to allow me to actually act upon it. As if I've run out of time in my "free trial" of the pro version, and now I'm stuck with the crappy free version that promises to be just as good but we all know is not.

I'm sabotaging myself and nobody wins.

Maybe this is it. I've run out of my quota of "big", everlasting feelings and maybe from now on I'm destined to only feel everything in a superficial way and slowly turn in to a middle-aged spinster with five dogs to keep me company (fingers crossed on the dog part, I WANT A DOG!).

Or maybe my past and my own personal demons helped creating this shell of a person that suddenly realised she's scared of pretty much anything that might be classified as too intense. But that at the same time has the biggest hopes and dreams in the world! That wants to do so much, see so much, learn even more... 

I feel empty and at the same time too full to the point I'm bursting at the seams. I'm a walking contradiction. I want to hold tight to the past and simultaneously forget it happened. I want to be able to trust myself, my life, my heart in the hands of someone worthy but everything in me screams NO! I want to hold it tight and don't let go so it doesn't hurt, so I don't get hurt, so no one can disappoint me but myself.

Because that I can deal with, I've had years of practice in the "letting myself down" department. There's a too long to count list of things I wish I had done, or done differently, locked in my head and everyday it grows bigger, darker, heavier.

I know exactly what I want to be feeling, but getting from point A to point B never felt so hard.

Andie