Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Never Again...

[I found this text I wrote a couple months ago forgotten in a drawer and I decided to give it a chance to appear in the blog. Let me know what you think]

What I don’t know about life could fill an entire encyclopedia. What I know would, maybe, fill an A4 notebook... possibly a bit until after the middle pages. But of one thing I'm sure. And I repeat it to myself every day, hoping that it never ceases to be a certainty: I may not know what I want from the world, but I’m sure about what I don’t want.

I know I don’t want you back because I don’t want to love again. I’m not asking you to go away, because remembering you hurts, but feels good. I just don’t want to live anymore that lie that consumed my days, that made all those moments seemed real and not merely a product of my naïveté, I don’t want to believe in what you say because you never gave me assurances that you really feel what you said you feel ... You never apologized sincerely, you never cried in pain for not being able to see me or because I didn’t wanted to see you. You didn’t get hurt, you didn’t suffered like I did. But the marks you left in me hurt so, so much ... I still remember that day like a nightmare from which I can’t wake up because it doesn’t only fills my dreams but all my life, my reality was created by you when you said those words ... It’s hard to believe that they came from your mouth… It’s hard to believe that you didn’t saw that you’re losing me while you kept me away and made me leave. You changed, gradually, becoming a stranger; you have become something I despise and hate. I’m confused ... I no longer distinguish love from hate. Is it feasible to feel both for the same person? You make that possible.

I love you when I remember you, when I remember what we lived together. I hate you when I remember that none of it was real. If I see you, I wouldn’t know what to say. I love you, but you broke me up inside; I know I always loved you too much - more than you ever deserved. And because you hurt me, more than I could bear, I’ll hate you even more if it means I can forget you.
You know what was my big problem? I believed you were different, I believed that you were better, better kisser, better hugger… In the midst of all that, I even believed that you loved me. But if you knew how much I cry for you every night before fall asleep, and then I end up suffering even more when you appear in my dreams, again and again...

Which leads me to conclude that you never felt the pain of the uncertainty of a maybe. You don’t know because you live in the certainty of a yes. You know I would, I would return to you without blinking. But you let me live in anxiety, forever waiting ... Awaiting you to wish, waiting for you to come back, waiting for you to say, and waiting for you to do.

Another thing I know is I can’t stand it, not anymore. Don’t want to suffer the disappointment of waking up one day and notice that life has passed, right by my side and didn’t lived because I kept waiting. If that day comes I'll regret having let this drag on for so long, I'll regret not having learned to draw a final dot on this thing - I can't even call it history -, when I should have done. I will regret all that lost time I can’t get back.

But I am sure of one thing: you'll regret it more than me. Because you'll also wake up one day and noticed that the life also passed by you; that I'm no longer there. And it will hurt when you think about me and feel the heart beat faster, when you open your eyes and see that I am no longer there. Then you will remember that I was the only one that loved you, the only one that that really cared for you. You will remember that I loved, I waited and I suffered all because I kept hoping that one day you’d see it; only that it was too late. When you noticed it, everything will have changed and you lost my trail; there you’re going to cry and finally realize that strange warning that you used to see in my eyes; you'll understand why when you asked if everything was OK, I had to take a deep breath before smiling and saying “of course everything is fine; why wouldn’t it be?”.

When you realize that you had in your hands, on your skin, in your life and the only woman that loved you and that you weren’t able to keeping it near yourself, you'll cry; and for the first time, I won’t be there. I'll never be there again...

~A. Maars

This is a too much personal post, and probably shouldn't  be here because it makes me look something I'm not. 
You should know I was, unfortunately, heart broken when I wrote this, therefore there's too much anger as sadness in my words; so you won't misjudge me.

"I braved a hundred storms to leave you" ~ From the song 'Turning Tables' by Adele

"I hold on to myself, not wanting anyone to grab "us " and keep myself with me and with me, now, dreaming the same way I dreamed before you." ~by Liliana
(Updated 08.12.2011)