Sunday, June 10, 2012

Irreplaceable. Gone

[Please read all the way 'till the end and you'll understand what this it.]

"One day, someone asked me if I had found the love of my life. 
I answered:

I did, once. But I let her go. One day she was here and in the other she had vanished; "Gone with the wind". And it was my fault. I used to think about her as a safety net because she was always there. I was stupid because I knew she loved me, but I never loved her back while I could. I kissed her once or twice but then I... I pushed her away of my life because she always asked too many questions; now I know she was only being careful because I had already broken her heart before. She only needed to be sure I was into it as much as she was. But I wasn’t. I’m ashamed to say that I was using her to forget someone that broke my heart before. And she didn’t deserve it, at all. She was the sweetest, most funny, loveliest girl I’ve ever met and I broke her. I broke her so bad… I lost her in the day I decide she wasn’t good enough to me and started dating another girl. I bet she noticed, she always notices those things. But she was. Oh gosh she was too good to me, and she knew it but she chose me anyway… and I let her down.

I thought she was being hard when I first tried to kiss her because she didn’t like me… A few months later I figure it out that in that night I told her I still loved my ex-girlfriend; that’s why she kept push me away all night long. But then I called her in the week that followed and she didn’t hesitate when I tried then. Now I can imagine what she thought: I called her, so I want to be with her. She interpreted that call as I silent yes I never said.  And I should, I should have said yes while I could...

Now is too late.

I saw her a few days ago, in the street. There she was, beautiful as always; even more I would say. There she was, holding hands with a man I didn’t know. She seemed happy, really happy. It was obvious she loved the man she was holding hands with. For just a second I thought I saw something shiny on her left hand; and engagement ring perhaps… I took too long to realize she was the one I wanted, and someone else did. I didn’t say a word; just froze in the middle of the street when I saw her coming in my direction. And she passed through me without blinking; she didn’t recognize me. Or maybe she did (she told me once when we were just kids that she hardly forgets a face), as the guy that broke her heart, twice

Although I know I would be a better man with her by my side, what I saw was she being better without me, happier without me; and noticed I was miserable without her.  In that moment, I wished I had answered all those text messages she used to send – “just to say hi ” as she used to reply if I asked – just to keep in touch. But I used to ignored her most of the time. “She’s just a kid”, I used to think.  After that, I realized she had alway been much more mature than I, in so many ways.

Sometimes I wonder about what invited her in the first place. What could I have possibly done for her to fall for me…?  And I can’t find an answer.  She was perfect and I was, and honestly still am, stupid.
I wished I could apologize, for all the pain I caused, for all the things I haven’t done or said; for all the no’s she had to ear. Maybe I could even ask for another chance (if what she felt was real she still feels it, right?); because maybe, just maybe, that shiny reflection might have been an illusion.  Who am I trying to trick? She gave me too many chances, so asking for another one its suicide… but if I could, I would.

What wouldn’t I give just to start all over again with her…! But she is priceless. Even thought, I would give everything to have her in my arms again; for one last chance I know I don’t deserve." 

~Andie Maars


This text belongs to a story I'm writing  (I've posted some other texts/poems from it around here*) but this one is in the P.O.V of a new character that doesn't have a name yet :D

*And here they are: , "Irrational Fear" , "Dreamand "I remember you"'...Remember them?