2015 in Retrospect

Here it is, the last post of 2015. And what a year it was! It had its highs and lows, and the average in betweens... It seems so uneventful and at the same time so much happened, so many things changed.

Although I keep getting older (not wiser, though), I've never felt more grown up than now, after this 12 months; more so than ever before. But there is still so much room for growing up, so much space to learn more, to explore more, to dream more... to live more! If someone had told me earlier this year that this is how it was going to end, I wouldn't have believed it.

I've witnessed the importance of having just the right people in my life, and I couldn't end this year on a high note (ok, scratch that as it might be a little farfetched...) happy note without any of my wonderful friends, especially C (she's the best!). I've learned to accept the universal truth that Life it's indeed not fair, and there isn't much to do about it other that look for a detour every time I hit a "road block" and keep going. 

I usually don't bother with New Years' Resolutions, as I end up either forgetting or not completing them. But maybe it's something I need to do: make "light", non-committal promises (that don't result in the apocalypse if I happen to break them) and stick to them; work them to my advantage. So here are some things I'll try to accomplish next year:

• Smile more
• Count my blessings (more often)
• Have more "Me" time
• Read more (I have so many books on my waiting list that it's not even funny)
• Take the camera out of the house more often
• Make new memories (preferentially happy ones)

And just for the fun of it, here is my year of 2015 in the most random picture I took each month.

2015...Random Mode | Andie Maars

See you next year,

Andie

P.S - If you found picture #10 odd, that's because I was so bored that day that spending nearly 1-hour taking glam shots of an apple seemed like a good idea! 

Still

It’s been a month and it still hurts. Not as much and not for the same reasons, but it still hurts. I’m still dealing with the emptiness, I still feel lost... But I don’t feel guilty anymore, for not insisting, for letting go. I’ve come to terms that it was the right thing to do. That my patience and bullshit tolerance have limits and those have been crossed way too many times before. I was, and still am, tired of fighting for something I once thought was meant to be; the doubts grow higher with each day that goes by without him.

I’m slowly learning how to let go; letting go of the feelings, of the automatic responses to certain actions. It’s much like having too many clothes that just don’t fit anymore and it is time to give them away, hoping someone will make better use of them than I can right now.

It has been a month and it feels both so far away and too close, too fresh, still burning. I am braving trough unknown waters in search for a safe haven, but my compass is wayward and the right direction is as blurry as it has ever been; I’m just sailing alone now.

In between the unknown, there is one thing I know for sure: no excuse, no explanation will ever be enough. Nothing can justify this, what I’m feeling, the emptiness…

There is nothing left unsaid now. All the T’s were crossed and all the I’s were dotted.

But it still hurts.

Andie

Alone | Andie Maars | Exclusively on blogger

final words

26/01/2016 Update: As promised, here is the new improved version. Now that the I no longer feel all that anger, it has been polished and thought trough... but I believe the core ideas remain.

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Dear F 

I’ve lost count of how many days have gone by since it all ended; it feels both so far away and too close. I haven't forgotten anything, the good and the bad, the promises and the lies...But deep inside, I can't find it in me to hate you (much to your disappointment).  

There are still days when I wake up missing you, wondering how you are doing. I have come to terms that my feelings for you after that fateful day have changed, a lot. But the emptiness is still there, lodged deep in my heart. I miss you, but I don't want you back.

I want you to know that I'll always care for you because, at some point in time, you were one of the most important people in my life - and that was real (even if everything else might have not). I learned a lot from you, and I know that all this gave me a new understanding of Life and, more importantly, of myself. 

I've learned where my standards stand now; I know how to know when to give up and when to keep fighting. I've learned that not bringing up a subject just because I don't like arguments won't do. I need to stand for what I believe is right - if not for everyone, at least for myself -, and we stand at opposite sides in so many core ideas... The best analogy I can find is that we began building the house by the roof, and with no foundations it just...collapsed.

I’m still re-learning to look at things without associating them with memories of you, and it gets easier with every day that passes. I keep finding all the little things that make life worth living that had skipped my mind this past 3 years; the world is a beautiful place and I can see now why. The grieving process is over.

I learned, I grew up and I changed. And maybe missing you is simply part of the process.

I hope you are happy and I, sincerely, wish you all the best.

Andie

the end of a love story

I have read hundreds of books with love stories, and that many (if not more) of broken hearts. I have read enough to think that by now I'd be able to predict the aftermath, to know what to expect when the love story turns into a broken heart. I predicted the shock and the tears. The irrational anger and utter disappointment. Confusion and clarity...the loneliness. 

The shock hit me first, out of the blue, like a punch straight to my lungs. The tears threatened to fall...but I held strong. The anger of knowing something so beautiful had just got irreparably broken, and the disappointment of the biggest promise he didn't keep. Liar

The confusion of wondering who would make me happy from now on, and the clarity of realizing he was never the source of that happiness. Loneliness being solved by a phone call to the best friend that had always been there in times of need. 

However, never in a million of years would I have expected to feel this... empty. 

I'd like to think of myself as a happy person, at least for most of the time. Nevertheless, the moment it finally sank in that it was over, I felt as if I had never had any feelings at all. What hurt the most weren't any of those things. No, what hurt the most was the sudden emptiness of my future: the unfulfilled promises, the adventure we would never get to live, the imaginary babies that would never be born...

A part of me that didn't exist yet died today...

People will say I need to be strong, that everything will be alright. But I've dodged a few stones thrown my way before and this will not be the one to take me down. I will not fall, nor will my tears. This story may end here, but my life does not and certainly will not my happiness.

~Andie

Ephemera of Life

Because going light didn't work for me, let’s try going real this time. 

I find Beauty to be something ephemeral; what is perceived as beautiful today might not be the same tomorrow. 

That's why I believe no relationship should be funded based on just that. Because, like everything else, beauty fades... and we will all, eventually, turn old and grey. A flawless skin will grow wrinkles, scars and spots; a fit body will lose its elasticity over time. We all have flaws, we all have cravings and we all deserve to do things that make us feel good. I don't want to feel guilty every time I eat something "unhealthy", nor will I ever willingly give up on sugar. Why should I? 

I cannot, in my righteous mind, give myself to someone that will only stay while things are pretty. I want to believe I have more to offer that just my body, I want to believe I have more "qualifications" besides physical attractiveness. I want (and need) to know someone will stay when things go ugly and when I grow old, grey and wrinkly. The world is already filled with too much superficiality for me to allow for the biggest one of them all to dictate my happiness. Because that is what it is at stake here, my happiness (and my heart) and I won't allow just anyone to juggle away with it at will.

So, if you are reading this and believe that beauty comes first, I really think you should take a step back and reevaluate your priorities in life. In all honesty, it's not fair to hold such thing against someone. No one should have to live in the constant uncertainty of an "if"; worrying if you're still pretty enough, if your significant other still thinks you are attractive enough and for how long it will remain that way. Life already has enough complications on its own. 

Speaking for myself only but, I would rather share my life with someone I can keep an intellectual conversation with and that, after all the years, still laughs at my lame jokes, rather than with someone who thinks I look good in pictures. Beauty and sexiness will fade, the body will decay... But your (un)happiness will still matter.

So the big question is: Do I really want something so superficial to be the foundation of a lifelong relationship? 
My answer: No, not really.

~Andie

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Disclaimer: I'm in no way trying to encourage unhealthy eating habits - I eat everything with moderation (well, except chocolate) and I am happy with my body just the way it is. 

You don't need to be Victoria's Secrets thin to be healthy. I just don't think the way my body looks like should dictate my life nor be the main reason for someone to be in/ leave my life - in either friendly or romantic situations. Updated: 14/10/2015