Breathe

I need...time. I need time to do all the work, to finish all the assignments, time to sleep. 

My life has been so hectic in the past few weeks that I need more time than what is possible to have. I need days to have more than 24 hours, I need weeks to have more than 7 days. I need time to finish all I have to do a still have time left for the ones I love; the very same ones I've been neglecting lately. Sleep, I desperately need to sleep.

And if the lack of time and sleep wasn't enough, now add guilt to the mixture and that's how messed up I'm feeling right now. It's like I'm standing at the top of a cliff, looking down at the furious wakes crashing against the rocks, and never in my entire life I felt so inclined to just breath in...and jump. 

But screaming at me won't help, it is not helping. Adding more stress to the already huge pile is the last thing I need. All it does is making me want to run. Run away from all the responsabilities, to some place where I don't have chores, assignments, obligations and deadlines. Somewhere I don't have a million of things to do. Somewhere I don't feel like I'm a disappointment for not living up to someones expectations...

I am tired. I just need time...

Just Breathe... | by ~AndieMaars | Exclusively on blogger

Andie

Don't Listen

You know that feeling of self-doubt that arises when you hear something so many times you start believing its true, even if deep inside you know it’s not?

Like when you look in the mirror and see nothing wrong with your body, but if someone starts saying otherwise, over and over, with the sole purpose of upsetting you (and you know that)… But after a while you start looking in the mirror and not liking what you see anymore.

The power of suggestion used for hurtful intents can cause emotional scarring that runs deeper than any wound. Because physical scars can be empowering, they can be a reminder that you are strong, that you outlived something. But the emotional scar it’s always going to be there. Even if you overcome it, the self-doubt it’s still there and can (and probably will) come and go in its own “free will” at the most unexpected situations.

I know first-hand how cruel people can be with their words. And I know how the silliest thing can trigger and emotional episode, a thought or a state of mind that you fought so long in the past to get over. But I also think people in general are too attached to their own insecurities, and it’s not always their fault. We can blame society for how it makes us think that something it’s not right (even if we believe there’s nothing wrong with it) because it isn't socially accepted; that it’s wrong to do certain things or think in certain ways. Who stated that anyway? As long as it isn't causing damage or pain to anyone and is making us happy, why should it be wrong?

It’s our lives, we are the ones living it – not society. So be free, be spontaneous. Do whatever you want to do with the time you were given and be happy.

“Happiness depends upon ourselves” - Aristotle

Andie Maars

(Not) Sleeping [Beth]

She never said it would be easy, and never thought that either. But why it had to be so hard she did not know. And although this time around it wasn't anything serious, she wondered why it was affecting her this much.

Falling asleep had always been something she did effortlessly, and had been that way ever since she remembered she existed. So why now? Why something so petty had her turning over and over in her bed up till late at night (or better saying, early in the morning) until the exhaustion took over... Her mind had never been so full. The same disturbing thoughts swirling around all night long: Was the end near? Could she keep going? And was what she had enough to do so? It was time to reevaluate everything. The highs and the lows, the goods and the bad, the smiles and the tears. How much of each had her had... Was there enough of each to keep it balanced? She wasn't sure, not anymore.

He kept telling her to let it go; to forget the past and focus only on what was still to come. And she did, most of the time; until he'd do something that would bring back the memories of what could have been the end; death. To think it had been that close... such a dark place near such a pure person can never turn into something good. And although he said it wouldn't happen again, she wondered how true that would be, or for how long it would remain so.

- Andie

Sunday Rant #3 Double Standards

I thought today was still Saturday! I really don't know where the entire day yesterday went.. (I probably shouldn't had been out till so late on Friday night *ups*).

Anyway, on to the reason I'm here and that is to talk about topics I don't like. Let’s talk about double standards. They are everywhere, however you don’t actually notice that until they get into collision course with you. And that happened to me lately more often that I’d have appreciated. It's like I was blind and I now I see...but wish I didn't? But then again the hardest part is, obviously, dealing with the people who use double standards as an excuse to not do something, then get truly offended if the same excuse actually applies to you too.

For example, I had a report that was due in the beginning of December and it was a group activity (and I had the misfortune of getting two partners while everyone else got just one). Right after the deadlines were set, I asked them multiple times how we were going to divide the work load, and got no answer whatsoever. 

Fast forward two weeks and I’m overloaded with work and other reports that were due in the meantime and they decide it’s the perfect time to demand, yes demand, that I magically complete the part I wasn't told I had to do, in just a few hours - because they really needed it. Logically, I said I couldn't do it because I had other things that were more urgent and what not; basically that I was busy and they had to wait. Their replay? "No can do, we are busy too with other things" (which roughly translates to: "we are busy with other things and you have to do this thing now because you cannot be busy and we want you to do it, but we won't do our part until two days before the deadline"). 

I was dumbfounded! So it’s acceptable for them to be busy but I can't, even though they knew I had the same work load as them?! In the end we worked it out, but too close to the deadline to my liking. Therefore, in the following times we had to work together I did all the work divisions myself ahead of time and took none of theirs excuses.

Andie

Sunday Rant #2 Why?

Everything seems to be falling apart in my life lately (hence why I didn't follow trough with the promise of making #Sunday Rant a biweekly thing)... 

I'm having a hard time keeping up with my deadlines, my coworkers are a huge pain in the butt (and this is me being nice!), I have millions of things to do and I still have to squeeze my significant other into my already jammed schedule. The problem? Our schedules are complete opposites and the load of work doesn't seem like it will slow down anytime soon. 

Have I mention that my head has been trying to kill me lately too? And my headache medicine does not work as effectively as it used to which leaves me with the hard (super hard) task of trying to find something that works - and believe me, my headaches are very demanding with its medicines, the aspirin has long stopped working for me. 

So I ask why. Why me? Why does life has to me so messed up? And you know what else doesn't help the situation? My significant other seems to think it's my fault, that I don't try hard enough. I just don't know what else to do.

I'm tired, I need to sleep in for like a week to be remotely okay again and nobody seems to understand that.

Help?

Andie